House of the Dragon - Episode 5 Season 1 | a Review
originally published on 23/09/2022;
Hello everyone, I am the painfully reasonable and rational G.E.M.Simov, a very disappointed person, here to tell you all about the Fifth Episode of the First Season of the serial film: “House of the Dragon”.
Simple review details - I try to rank films on an out of 10 basis, granting up to 3 points in 3 categories, as well as a last, single point from my own self, depending on my experience with it. Due to the fact that this is a fundamentally unfinished work, both from a perspective of a beginning and an ending, I will have to slightly change up my criteria, and follow up the collection of episodic reviews with a review for the season, collectively, in which I will be able to present everything that needs to be said in as complete a manner as possible.
In addition, as a disclaimer, I might refer to this episode as ‘the movie’ or ‘the film’ (used interchangeably), by merit of the fact that it is an hour long. As a secondary disclaimer, I will abstract myself wholly from the idea of having read “A Song of Ice and Fire”, as well as the idea of having watched “Game of Thrones”, and will attempt to view and judge this based on its own merits, as its own thing.
Presentation
Ah, yes. Same old, same old. Silly intro, good sound effects, decent music… Actually, hold on. Hold ON - there’s a mishap. There’s a mishap on that front - the SFX, that is, and I need to mention it.
Now, of course, it isn’t exclusively a mishap on the SFX front, it is a mishap on, I suppose, the acting theater (of war), too. We have a scene depicting a leather boot being pressed against a leather bracer. Then, that leather boot is being pushed onto the leather bracer, as well as being dragged along it (as though it was smashing a bug underfoot), which has led the SFX dudes and dudettes to add in the sound of…
I can’t actually name the sound, as I suppose I’ve never heard it truly sound. It’s only been the sound effect, though it is one associated with leather being taut so much that it is barely capable to avoid ripping apart. Or, rather, the sound of leather being rubbed against leather with great force.
In any case, the sound implies massive amounts of force being applied. The visuals, however, do not imply that. Now, granted, if the leather was perfectly tanned and not very well worn, it could probably produce that sound with less effort, but the leather boots are very, VERY well worn. The performance of the actór is… Gentle. That’s evidently owed up to the fact that the bracer was on a person, and stepping on somebody with enough force to make that sound would be very nasty.
However, it still doesn’t excuse the fact that it seems gentle, yet the sound produced is so viscerally loud. That had my suspension of disbelief very challenged, though it was not the sole reason. The whole scene features a vast number of question marks, though I’ll save those for the Story section.
THEN, in that very same scene, there’s a silly inconsistency. The character is facing up, laying on the ground, looking at the sky, even though the previous shot(s) have established that the laying character is looking at another character, with their head NOT in a neutral position, and the following shot being with their head not in a neutral position, looking at that other character.
The worst thing is that there’s no indication that the character’s head moves, nor is there reason for it to move - the folks just lost the consistency and the laying down character, while looking at the other character, starts talking, then suddenly their face is looking up at nothing, while the character is still talking, and then the next shot has the character looking at the other character.
Come on now, that’s bothersome. However, the cut from that scene to the next is very evocative. The scene establishes someone’s head is about to be bashed in with a sizable rock, but we are not shown any heads being bashed in. Instead, the audience is treated to a butcher’s cleaver lopping off a fish’s head. Funky.
And, well, that’s what I’d use as a means of describing the more interesting choices in regards to presentation that are featured in this episode. Funky would be the way a certain character is shown as having gained a new station - something is being done by the character, but the action is performed with their hands, and the camera lingers on the character’s torso - upper torso, that is - and that allows the viewer to observe the sign of station. That was funky. It wasn’t anything groundbreaking, but it was good that the audience is SHOWN, rather than told.
Well, the audience does get told in the episode, but it is through the reaction of another character, one who has not encountered the recently promoted fellow in a few years, so it’s not that bad. Again, though, that’s bound to Story as much as it is bound to Presentation, so we’ll go on.
Music and SFX are okay. They’re decent, they’re there, doing their job. The Visual Effects lads and laddies, on the other hand, are making some mistakes. There’s a scene featuring heavy rainfall. Then, there’s a scene after that, featuring scenery separated by a section of castle wall. Behind that section of castle wall, there’s monstrous amounts of rain pouring down. In front of it, the rain is barely noticeable, which is very unusual, very far away from natural and plausible.
Come on, now! Even if I noticed this on second viewing, as that’s when I’m in real, discernible, critique regime, I’ve still got to admit that anyone not wholly enraptured by the happenings on screen will take note of that. And that is a misstep. Though, again, it is not a massive misstep. It’s a slight oversight.
What I’d say is not a slight oversight is the lack of information pertaining to how much time has passed. Otto Hightower is shown departing King’s Landing, which implies that there has not been a large number of days that have gone by, however another metric that can be utilized is the presentation of the King’s health.
It is no secret that he suffers from the disease ‘being King’. However, the rate of progression seems to have gone through the roof, which is… Well, it is implausible. Not only that, but in looking at the IMDb page of the show, I’ve noticed that each actor (and character) has a number of episodes next to their name, and I’ve also spoiled myself by having a glance at the source material…
There’s something very wrong with how the film portrays Visarys’ illness and its escalation.
With that said, there’s only one other great grievance I have with the presentation, and that is the fact that the audience is shown sir Cole’s regrettable handiwork in full detail - on more than one occasion. I will dig into that one very, very, VERY thoroughly as I get to it in the Story section of this review, but I am of the impression that there was no need for the result to be shown in such graphic detail.
It was enough that there was a shot of the victim’s bloodied face, it was enough that the audience was shown “sir” Cole’s brutal bashing of the victim’s face over and over again, with the very generous addition of the SFX of blood splatter. Enough was shown. There was no need to have the well caved, turned to mush visage of the victim in focus.
The fact that the grisly sight was displayed a second time, with the purpose of showing the victim’s companion’s reaction to the deed, was more permissible than the first time it was shown. In any case, this is excess. This is spectacle, needless and unpleasant in every-which-way. The bad thing is, of course, that fact that this is an attempt at retreading the scene from Game of Thrones involving the Mountain and his victim is evident, however there was a lot more build-up and a lot more to be gained from that GOT scene.
This scene is purely here so that there’s more drama. So that things can be sped along. So that things can happen, because the attention-span of audiences is either perceived to be minuscule, and having impeccable drama is not enough, or because those doing the screenwriting just could not hold it in and figured they needed something to be spoken of.
Well, here it is, ladies, gentlemen and N-bees, they got something to be spoken of. They just could not have it be, they just could not have the characters behave like normal human beings, they just could not have the characters utilize reason, nor could they have anything actually sensible occur. That scene - that funky scene - was HORRIBLE. I’ll get in more detail on why it was horrible, but it was truly, TRULY abominable.
With that said, the preceding sequence - the whole lot of it - was very good. Jam-packed with juicy encounters and interactions between characters, filled with, as mentioned, impeccable drama - it was fantastic. After all, this is the most entertaining thing about film - the interactions between characters, especially if those characters are well-known to the audience and to whom the audience might have an emotional attachment. What will happen, the audience wonders, how would things go, the audience ponders, and a juicy scene like that provides a wonderful meal for the viewer.
Only for the meal to then get ruined by the discovery that there was a massive piece of shit in the middle of the dish the viewer has been partaking in.
But I suppose they really did want to make use of the funky visual of the rat, perched next to the puddle of blood, lapping at it, while an important event takes place in the background. Metaphor, one could say, but I’d reply that it’s stupid. With the same luck there could have been red wine spilled, and the rat could still have done the perching and lapping at it, and the redness of the liquid could have easily reminded the viewer of blood - and, guess what? It could’ve been much better, because that way things would’ve made a lot more sense.
Alas, sense is not what we pursue, is it? It is spectacle. This stupid Peele movie did make me think about spectacle a whole lot more, and now I see it everywhere, as I see its incredible property of taking away one’s humanity.
So stricken and disgusted I am by the display, that this otherwise phenomenal episode is going to take a big, fat L (loss), because the entirety of the experience was ruined by the showing. Not only did the scene make almost no sense narratively, but it was also totally needless for the sight to be displayed so many times.
Such immaculate disdain has nestled itself within me that I had no desire to see it. The whole of the episode was so, so good, so impressively pleasant to watch, everything was so well presented, and then at the very end, around 5 minutes before its conclusion, everything went to shit, literally.
The Presentation was good. It was very, very good, safe for that one moment when it was so bad that, if it had lasted any longer, I would’ve probably dropped the show. 2/3
Acting
It’s a good thing the actors can act. It’s a very good thing that the actors can act. Now that Laenor Velaryon is an actual character, I must admit that the actor filling in the role has made the character a very likable fellow. The dynamic he had with Rhaenyra is also very pleasant, and I feel as though the actors had a lot of opportunities to play off of one another.
I greatly enjoyed the moments when Rhaenyra was on screen with Laenor. It seemed as though Milly Alcock was at the top of her game in those scenes. Paddy Considine also did a great job, though I’ve come to expect that of him. For the small amount of time she was on screen, Rachel Redford as Lady Rhea Royca was a pleasant surprise, as this relatively underdeveloped character was interesting.
In addition to that, I found myself more and more impressed by Eve Best’s performance as Rahenys Targaryen. The more of her I see, the more I start liking the character, and the energy she brought in this episode was fantastic. Corlys was also very refreshing.
Onto lesser performances. I’m going to say that Emily Carey almost got the job done, but not quite. There’s a scene that appears to involve Alicent crying, but she does not drop a single tear, even if her facial performance indicates that this is a BIG cry, though other than that I feel as if her performance was satisfactory.
Now, Fabien Frankel. Fabien Frankel had a very good showing, until he did not. The first half of the episode had him doing some work - good work, mind you - and then the latter half of the episode had him doing… No work at all? It seemed as though he lost any ability to emote, even if the situations Criston Cole was in required a great deal of emotion.
Naturally, as a knight of the King’s Guard, he’s meant to be steely and unfazed by things. However, his facial expression can remain neutral even though his eyes convey exactly what needs to be conveyed… And there was a lot of conveyance that SORELY needed to be done, but did not get done.
Overall, this episode features maybe the weakest performances? I feel as though that’s the case, but weak doesn’t necessarily mean bad. It’s a comparative and quantitative statement. The quantity of goodness? Decent. 2/3
Story
Here it is. Here we go. I am so mad, I am so angry, I AM FUMING.
This episode SHIT THE BED. Excuse my language, excuse the profuse use of all capital letters, but I must convey my boundless disappointment. Things were going well for the show - they really were - and I was starting to believe that, maybe, this would be good - at least for the first season. Little did I know that the whole thing would come crashing down.
There have been deeds performed without any discernible reason, though the performers of those deeds were established as being so and so, and that establishment of said characters was enough to leave a question, to make the actions somewhat plausible and believable. Of course, most often the one doing weird things was Daemon Targaryen, and he has been the main thorn in my side, as his allegiances have, so far, been difficult to determine and his motivations have been everything but clear, though with his first showing he was established as being that kind of character.
When another character goes on to do something totally ludicrous, totally idiotic and as though spurred on by a severe lack of rational thought, that character’s development (in the sense of introduction AND then subsequent growth or decay) MUST indicate that the character in question is capable of doing that kind of thing.
Did the character who performed a stupid move have that build-up? No. Did the character find themselves in the process of building-up? Yes, there was stuff happening to said character, which stuff indicated that things were going awry in that character’s head. HOWEVER, the way that character was developed indicated that said character was COOL HEADED, EXPERIENCED with heavy stress situations and tension.
Why, then, does that character suddenly throw all the development out of the window and act like a completely different character? Well, maybe not completely, but, as Fanficiton writers would call it, and as they would be expected to write such a dreadful turn in one’s character development - it’s Alternate Universe (AU) X, who’s quite like X in the main universe, the one being televised, but the AU X is different, even if very similar.
That’s the only explanation - it’s just bad writing showing up and kicking down the door, while, simultaneously, kicking down the slowly built up foundations of hope and trust in this show’s writing. Both the door and the foundations come down with a bang, with the latter dragging down everything else in sight.
How to ruin a character? Do this! Take the established character, with a background that suggests something, with actions that suggest something that matches the suggestion from the background, and then have that character do something totally out of nowhere, without proper build-up.
A character changes gradually, especially if that character is of a certain disposition. That’s what people do - most people, who have certain convictions or habits, find it very difficult to distance themselves from those habits or convictions. Changing is a lengthy process. How, then, does a character change in LITERALLY the blink of an eye, or perhaps less than a week, or however long the amount of time was? OH, WAIT, WE DON’T KNOW!
If the amount of time that had passed was PROPERLY CONVEYED TO THE AUDIENCE, this outburst could have been far, far more believable. However, the amount of time that passes between events is not conveyed to the audience, and thus the audience can not really get in the head of the character.
Not only that, but it’s not even a character at that point, it’s just a plot device doing plot related things. There’s no understandable motivation behind the actions of the character, the character just goes on and does whatever, without considering the consequences.
Absolutely phenomenal, in the worst way possible. It so vastly overshadows the remainder of the things this film does that I don’t even feel an inclination to talk about them. YES, there is tension being stirred by some characters in an incredibly interesting way, YES there are other characters slowly getting more and more developed and becoming plausible people (likable, too), YES there are interactions between characters that are incredibly compelling and believable - there’s a lot of good.
So much good, in fact, that I was ready to just slap the three and even go on to present this episode with a legendary point, because that’s how incredibly enjoyable it was, both from the standpoint of presentation (even with its few hiccups, not counting the big FOUL) and the standpoint of story. It was doing so much, so, SO much… And then it threw all that down the drain.
There’s also something very interesting that is considered, and I think I can say a few things about it without dipping into spoilers. It’s presented in a very fitting moment, one that implies the inevitable death of a character. And so that character ponders whether their deeds were good, and that character ponders what-ifs.
The amount of self reflection that this quarry invites the viewer to engage in is incredible. On top of that, it also presents a very, very good question - is what is considered valuable truly valuable, or are valuable things, things that are truly valuable, not considered valuable?
Now that I think about it, I suppose I ought to jump into spoilers to discuss this in detail. Either way, the episode’s story does a lot of really good things, only to then overshadow them with one of the worst things one can do in a story, and then leaves the audience on a cliffhanger, because that’s a very beloved thing.
So here we go, spoiler time.
The episode begins with Daemon Targaryen murdering his wife Rhea Royce, who gets a few moments of being a character that, unfortunately, seems to somewhat fit the moniker ‘Bronze Bitch’, though from what I’m seeing she appears to be a more pronounced version of Rhaenyra - a woman who happens to desire independence.
The way things happen is very strange. Daemon moves in, slowly, towards the horse, and the horse reacts to it, naturally, but then Daemon slows down. Initially, I assumed that was because he meant to calm the horse, maybe pet it. Rhea is going on, Bad Mouthing (BMing) Daemon, being a bit crass as a result of his return.
Then she sees the look in his eye - he does not say anything throughout the entirety of the scene, by the way - and gathers that he means trouble. She reaches for her bow and he startles her horse so proficiently that IT FALLS ON ITS BACK, crushing Rhea in such a manner that her body winds up completely paralyzed from the neck down.
Either way, what’s important is that Daemon shows his true colors - if those were in need of being shown at all - and it becomes clear that he’s got something in mind. Perhaps that thing is his want for Rhaenyra? Or maybe he’s looking for a way to once again rebel against the system? In any case, he’s probably going to be bad news for anyone in sight, and he’s becoming more reprehensible with every passing episode.
Following that, the King and Rhaenyra are on a ship, traveling to Driftmark. During this scene the audience finds out that the King is either sea-sick or sick, with the latter being more of an option, because one doesn’t start coughing when he’s sea-sick. The audience also finds out that Lyonel Strong has been named Hand of the King, and I can get behind that.
Another scene (might be mixing them up but it’s somewhere around here) featuring Otto’s departure and his send off by Alicent. The ex-hand of the King extends some blame towards Alicent for siding with Rhaenyra, then he allows himself to… You know, pull a few strings. There will be war if Rhaenyra is made queen, he says, and to strengthen her claim she’ll HAVE to kill your children, Alicent, he says.
I still don’t really get WHY there will be war - I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I can’t imagine the lords deciding: “Okay, woman on the throne, time to war, regardless of the fact that there’s been however many more than 10 years of peace and it’s been spectacularly good for the realm, and myself, but a woman on the throne? No can do, MUST war!”
Naturally, if a war were to break out, it would need sides (at least two) - one side in favor of the Queen, the defending side, and one side opposing the Queen, but in favor of another Targaryen heir. The options, then, are Daemon, whom nobody really likes, but he’s a man so that gives him… Something; As well as Aegon, whom people don’t know if they like or not, but he’s the son of the King and so he’s the proper heir.
The solution would be very simple - if Aegon renounced his claim, then those against the Queen would have no heir to support, except Daemon. Now, Daemon is a very stinky pile of “WHAT?”s, but from what has been shown his ambition extends to him having fun with what he’s doing. And, currently, he’s having fun with pursuing Rhaenyra and bothering his brother. If his brother were to die, then he could either continue having fun pursuing Rhaenyra and maybe bothering her in his brother’s stead, OR he could decide that engaging in war is fun… Even though he has already engaged in war and, frankly, it did not look as though it was the most enjoyable thing he has done.
So the 50/50 chance of the war being a three-way, with supporters of Daemon and Aegon fighting against one another and against the Queen’s forces, becomes a 50% chance of a war occurring at all, due to the fact that in this hypothetical Aegon has renounced his claims, and then there’s an actual 25% chance that there’ll be a war, because Daemon’s interests might not involve that at the time, and he might express a lack of want to be King.
Of course, there is a possibility that the Noble Houses might attempt to raise someone else as King, but due to the fact that those with Targaryen blood have the greatest right to the throne, and those with that blood are about to be bound by marriage, it seems very unlikely that the anti-Queen houses will be able to get a big pretender, especially when their only grievance would be: “She’s a woman!”, and thus anyone trying to garner support for himself as King would, probably wind up unable to amass an army to stand against that of the King, that of Driftmark and, perhaps, that of house Strong (as I suppose they are loyal), and if Alicent is not pressing her son’s claim, then it is very likely for the Hightowers - including Old Town - to back up the Queen, too, so there’s a lot of force between them.
Of course, though, Otto is probably not taking that into consideration. He still does want his blood on the Iron Throne, thus he spends a lot more time telling Alicent that Aegon must be king. It is credit where credit is due that he still tells her she might need to buddy up with Rhaenyra, but that’s barely anything. It’s… It’s almost evident to me that Otto is either incredibly certain that the realm can only be preserved if Aegon (the male heir) takes a seat on the Iron Throne, and thus he wants to do what’s best for the realm, OR he’s selfish and twisting the truth so that it helps him achieve his goals.
The goonies arrive in Driftmark, but Lord Corlys Velaryon does not come to receive the King (bad etiquette), because he has just returned from a long journey. Viserys is not really bothered (or maybe he is, he’s ill so he seems bothered by just living, which is a mood, innit?) and they go on to do their thing. Laena has grown (so is shown to the audience as she receives the guests).
Meanwhile, Alicent has an encounter with one of the sons of Lyonel Strong - the malformed one, Larys. He does a lot of stinky dinky talking; words chosen very well, of course. He gains information of his own, whilst also providing Alicent with some information she did not know, forcing her to grow even more guilty and doubtful. His words are immaculately well chosen - “What happiness it is to have been wrong.”
Not only does Alicent find out that Rhaenyra was provided ‘the tea’, the one that gives you an abortion (incredible how that’s legal, considering the draconian laws in half of modern-day USA), but she also finds out that others might know about the events. Others who were supposed not to be privy to that information, others who can make conclusions. This is buildup. Good buildup.
The King is sick. That winds up noticed by both Corlys and Rhaenys, who arrives a little late. This sequence did a lot to improve my opinion of both Corlys and Rhaenys, which was reasonably middling, but is now reasonably good. They agree to the King’s proposed marriage, and the King - being sick - departs (but not yet).
Meanwhile, Rhaenyra and Laenor have a chat, in which they do some verbal dodging of spooky words and talk about how their marriage is going to go. Laenor likes sausages, and so does Rhaenyra, but they, themselves, are not too into one another. Thus, they come to the conclusion that they’ll do their duty - whip out some kids - and then just have their fun according to their wants. A very reasonable way of solving arranged marriage and dealing with the perceived duty they have. A duty that they have neither asked for nor have they chosen, a duty which was forced upon them.
Back to Corlys and Rhaenys, the former expresses his certainty that ‘the gay will go away’, and he also informs his wife that they’ll support Rhaenyra, because in his eyes that’s a means of seeking justice, as Rhaenys was meant to be Quen. She admits to her husband that she has left this matter behind herself.
Then there’s a little scene between Laenor and his lover, Joffrey, the Knight of Kisses. It establishes that the situation they’ve found themselves in is better than they could have hoped for - as in it’s superb. On top of that, Joffrey makes the supposition that Rhaenyra also has someone who is to her as he is to Laenor. It also establishes the character of Joffrey quite efficiently, whereas Laenor gets another character off of whom he can bounce.
Following that, we get the first tension scene, if we don’t count the one with Daemon, though by merit of including Daemon, the scene was already fraught with tension. The scene I’m speaking of is more of a conflict scene, though one that swirls around drama.
“Sir” Criston “Can’t keep my dick in my pants” Cole approaches Rhaenyra on the way back to King’s Landing and has a conversation with her, in which he proposes that they run away to Essos, due to the fact that he’s come to know Rhaenyra a bit, and has been left with the impression that she’s very much against the idea of doing her duties, getting forcibly married and all these extra goodies.
Well, unfortunately, he does not know what she knows. He does not know of Aegon’s vision, of the King’s task to keep the realm strong and ready for that moment. He does not know Laenor is gay. He does not know Rhaenyra all that well, yet still he makes that offer. That’s him making assumptions and then reaching conclusions out of those assumptions, while also being madly in love.
In addition to that, though, he is incredibly disappointed. He is disappointed that he has broken his vows, which is an understandable thing to be disappointed about, “but buddy,” I say as I’m speaking to Cole directly, “you agreed to do the fucc, she didn’t force you!”
In addition to that, a vow of chastity is stupid, especially when it comes to someone that isn’t a monk who’s purposefully leading an ascetic lifestyle. In reality, a knight of the King’s Guard should simply father no children. He should be allowed to fuck, because, guess what, horny dudes do stupid shit! They fuck the princess!
But, hey, apparently we need something to bring about conflict, or rather drama, and this… Well, this is okay. One putting great value on the vows they’ve made, which vows have elevated them to great heights, in relation to the nothing that they’ve come from, is normal. Cole valuing his vows is cool. However, it is evident that he is not thinking straight. In fact, it is evident that he is not thinking at all.
“I’ve dishonored myself,” he says, even though the only person who knows of his dishonor is Rhaenyra, and she would not consider his deed dishonorable. And why must he consider himself bereft of his honor? Honor is, truly, something only existent in one’s relation to others. It’s funny how he values his honor in his own face so greatly, but the fact that he has probably killed people does not bother him one bit. Way to go, buddy, way to go, that’s where your priorities should lie.
He could live with himself after killing people. It had not affected his honor at all. However, he can’t live with having had extramarital sex with a woman. That has totally destroyed his honor.
But let’s not think of that - it is obvious that in the context of House of the Dragon, which is based on medieval Europe, certain things are more valuable than others… Such as stupid shit being more valuable than human life, but that’s par for the course, as it is so in the world outside, as of writing this review.
Let’s think about thinking. What kind of thinking can one engage in? Well, we’ve got the King’s Guard. The King’s Guard is meant to protect the King and his family, right? Of course. How, then, do we make sure the King’s Guard does its job as well as possible? Yes, we take away their ability to benefit from doing something nasty to the King and his family, by mandating that the King’s Guard must be made up of childless, wifeless Knights.
However, has anyone considered the fact that there’s also instinct involved in this? If, say, the King’s Guard actually cares about the King and his family, then their efforts in protecting them will be greater. If a Knight of the King’s Guard LOVES a member of the King’s family, or the King, he would do everything in his power to keep that individual alive, and also happy. How does that happen?
By making sure their loved ones, their families, don’t get krumped. So “sir” Criston “can’t keep my dick in my pants” Cole has so little brain power that he can’t even come to the conclusion that, by having done this, he has only sullied Rhaenyra in the eyes of those who would care and those who know. However, she is the only one who knows. Even if her husband finds out, it actually will not be a problem, as Rhaenyra tells him.
So, then, no one will be able to find out that he has ‘sullied’ the princess. He should also consider something else - the fact that Laenor is OKAY with Rhaenyra having had her fun with Cole means that Laenor is either totally disinterested in that sort of thing, and thus there’s no one who will ever be able to find out, unless he himself chirps, or Rhaenyra decides to ruin her own life. The other option is that Laenor doesn’t like women and doesn’t care for them in a sexual capacity, which means he’s the big gay, which could mean he likes taking it up the ass.
If someone WERE to find out, then that would be Laenor’s lover. However, if Cole knew that person, then Cole would have enough ammo to protect himself, whilst also having enough ammo to protect Rhaenyra. It seems as though it’s no big deal, but hey, he’s a ‘Knight’. He’s a warrior. They don’t pay him to think. In fact, if he did no thinking, he’d be far better at his job, right?
He claims that he thought he would be able to reclaim his honor if he were to marry Rhaenyra. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a person who has certain ideals he considers absolute, these ideals being some stinky ideas in his head, ideas that have been implanted into his mind by his family and by society, not ones he has come to by himself - due to the fact that he does not do a lot of thinking, or at least is not very good at it, even if he was established as a little witty in episode 2.
As a result of that, it is evident that this person has the mindset of a boomer. Of a conservative who despises change, and anything that goes against the values that he has adopted is wrong. Thus, when his own system of values screams: “You’ve done such a bad thing, buddy, you’re a piece of shit!” that’s when the viewer knows that, hey, we’ve got a problem. This person can’t deal with the consequences of his actions, nor can he think his actions through… Even though he was established as being AT THE VERY LEAST witty.
I can’t really wrap my head around it all that well. This person was nothing, then he was raised out of nothing BY Rhaenyra, and now she has done something together with him, which thing somehow (conceptually) conflicts with what he was made… By Rhaenyra. So he’s upset that Rhaenyra made him something, and then when she slightly changed what he was, which slight change was only a change for the betterment of his existence, that change did not jive well with him.
Did he grow complacent? Did he get comfy with loving her from a distance, being her guardian, being an almost errand boy? It is possible. But then he should have been content with that much, and he should have been able to say ‘NO’, right? But, alas, WOE! Rhaenyra in rags that don’t accentuate her features at all is far too irresistibly sexy for the MAN WHO HAS NOT HAD SEX IN FOUR YEARS.
It doesn’t make sense, ladies, gentlemen and N-bees. It appears as though Cole is a certain type of character in the previous four episodes, and now he turns out to have been an entirely different type of character. It appears as though he is far, far too greedy. I want to marry you, let’s run away. You should throw away EVERYTHING you’ve ever known, and literally EVERYTHING (literally, in a physical sense) you’ve ever known, and come to live with me, a life that has never been known to you, but a life that I’m quite familiar with.
Cole does not want to be her whore, but he wants her to be his whore. Marry me, he says, I’ll treat you good, he winks, forgetting that Rhaenyra hates duty due to the fact that it requires and expects of her to live her life a certain, very specific way. That very specific way would be mirrored by the life Cole is offering her, however without the comfort and security of her name and standing.
In essence, he’s offering her the exact same thing she does not appear to want. Who would’ve guessed, huh? He doesn’t know her all that well.
Now, of course, Rhaenyra’s reaction to this could have been a lot better. If she had approached it as diplomatically as her father approaches their conversations, this could have gone far, far better. Instead, she belittled Cole and messed up, only stirring the pot. Cole is still in the wrong.
Cole fits the mold for a ‘nice guy™’, and those fellows are most often incredibly misled by their own selves. In addition to that, they’re closeted sexists and incels, in most cases, so that’s also a big yikes from me!
The ship reaches King’s Landing and as Viserys is leaving the crate, he collapses. Not good, the illness is progressing rapidly, and the warning Alicent’s father has extended sounds evermore urgent in her mind. She calls for Cole, thinking, presumably, that he could shed some light on the Daemon X Rhaenyra debacle that’s plaguing her.
Here’s something I find very bothersome. This is another stupid, STUPID scene. Alicent suddenly becomes a shy little girl and takes MORE THAN A MINUTE of talking to ask her question. She doesn’t even ask the question. She acts like a schoolgirl, with NO experience, in the presence of a schoolboy she likes, which schoolboy also has no experience, and both of them are monstrously prude, raised Christians and so on - everything one can imagine.
She almost does it. She ALMOST gets to ask the question, but stops herself. The only thing she needed to say was ‘the princess and her uncle’ or ‘Rhaenyra and her uncle’ or ‘Daemon and Rhaenyra’ or ‘Daemon and the princess’. That’s it. But then no, she stops and has to clarify that she’s not insinuating anything.
Again, she gets the opportunity to ask the question ONCE MORE. “I wonder if Rhaenyra left her room” or “Rhaenyra was visited by Daemon” or “Rhaenyra returned wearing a page’s clothes”. There were so many opportunities for her to ask. So, SO many opportunities to ask. This man right there, before her, has sworn to obey her. Loyally. He is sworn to secrecy to whatever one is sworn to, so that he may serve his King and that King’s family well.
Why is she so worried? Why is she taking so long to do that? She has spoken about the topic with Rhaenyra, with the King himself, AND with her Father, all of whom have known more than her. Why can’t she ask her question properly?
I suppose she is trying to convince herself, still, that Rhaenyra did not do the deed, or maybe she is trying to find an excuse for Rhaenyra. After all, they did recently reconcile (just the last episode, the day of Daemon’s return), but is it right to do so whilst questioning her personal guard, leaving her, potentially, open for threats?
Either way, Alicent’s manner of presenting the question is beyond stupid and seems to be out of character for her. It seems… Wrong. It seems, almost, as though she knows that Cole is guilty of something, which, haha, she has no way of knowing.
Then, of course, Cole just admits do doing it. “Yes, I fucked the princess. SHE INSTIGATED IT! But that’s no excuse. Please don’t geld me, instead just kill me, thank you!”
This monkey man, who is a soldier. A person who has gone through HIGH STRESS situations and environments, yes? Yes. So this soldier, who has had his life on the line many times, feels so, SO guilty about something he did, something he is NOT being blamed for by anyone but himself, something he has tried to excuse by shifting the blame onto Rhaenyra - and indeed she did initiate the encounter - he’s still feeling so guilty about it that he could not wait for the question to be asked.
It’s just… It’s fascinating to observe these things. It’s fascinating, maybe because the viewer knows a lot more than either character, but then the viewer does not know exactly how much the characters know, and then must be left guessing. There’s also the matter of the characters acting unlike themselves.
Oh, me, Cole, I love Rhaenyra. I am going to compromise her safety, future and position by sharing that I deflowered her with the Queen. That’s definitely not going to cause problems, nope, not a single issue in sight!
It’s unreal, that’s all I’m going to say. If I were to abstract myself from the absurdity of the situation - as it is interesting how someone so guilty is not ashamed to the point of being unwilling to speak unless ordered to - it is a very compelling moment. That’s when Alicent uncovers that even if Rhaenyra did not fuck Daemon, she fucked Cole. And, seeing as her father was super certain she also coupled with Daemon, and then the King, who only knew about the prospect of Daemon and Rhaenyra doing the thing, has sent a special tea prepared by the grand maester…
It informs her that Rhaenyra has lied to her, that she can not be trusted, and that she’s totally disinterested in duties, tradition - anything. Duties and traditions which have caused Alicent great grief, mind you. That, in turn, only boosts the warning received by her father. She MUST prepare Aegon to rule, however that may be done. The other alternative, to cleave to Rhaenyra - that’s drowned out by now, it’s a non-option.
That’s super compelling. And, in Cole, she sees a tool that she can use. A potential pawn - her first pawn - in the game of chess he has found herself playing.
Cole is an idiot, though, through and through. He just uncovered his dishonor to somebody, and so now he truly is dishonored.
After that, we get to the tastiest moment in the entire episode, followed closely by what comes after it. Viserys, getting himself treated for his ‘being king’ disease, has a conversation with Lyonel. He ponders if he was a good king, asking Lord Strong how he would be remembered.
He is bothered by the fact that he has not been tested, as were all kings before him. He can see his own death approaching, and he is thinking about things related to it. Such as what comes after death, and what remains of him after it. And what will remain of King Viserys will be, well, the memory of his reign.
But would his reign be good? It would not make for a good song, and thus it would not be remembered en-masse. Maybe he fears that, for being sung of makes one immortal, in a sense, whereas being written of in the histories… Is just being written of. Who can read, and who does read histories?
Then again, however, is it good to be remembered for those things, or is it good to not be remembered because of the lack of those things? A King should strive to avoid war at all cost, unless armed conflict is unavoidable, right? War is an evil thing - purely evil, mind you, exclusively destructive and reductive to the humanity of all affected by it. Being remembered for waging wars… Does that not indicate that you’ve done many horrible things and you’ve brought more evil than good to the world?
Is not a good King one who does not shed blood frivolously? Is it not far better to have no war than to have war? And, as a result of that, wouldn’t a King who rules over years of peace be a better King than a King who rules over years of war and conquest?
There’s the fact that he, himself, can never know. All people would strive to please him with their answers, so he can not ask, nor will he be able to find out what occurs in Westeros after his passing. He can only estimate and guess, and he can only ever doubt himself, for that dream he had… It has ever eluded him, has it not? Was he right, or was he wrong? What if…
Many such questions are, undoubtedly, rolling through Viserys’ addled mind as he slowly drifts to sleep. He does manage to ponder, what if he was tested by war, but Lyonel Strong proves he’s a bit of a GOAT (Greatest Of All Time) and counters. Many of those who are tested by war wish that they had not been.
That was a splendid scene, because it touched on existentialism. The existence of Viserys - how would it continue after he dies? Will it continue, will he continue existing after he is no more, existing through songs and memories, or will he be forgotten as a footnote in history? Then there’s the bothersome thing, will it be better for the existence of his memory if he were a bad King, one who did many horrible things, or if he were a good King?
I love how provocative this scene was. It really does ask the viewer these questions, or, at least, urges the viewer to consider them.
Finally, we come to the biggest sequence in the episode. The marriage celebration. Viserys is positively beaming - he’s really happy - and so is Rhaenyra. At least, she seems more pleased than her usual self, because it is true that things could have gone a lot worse. They could’ve gone better, had Cole deciphered the truth of the matter, which was that he had it very well, but oh well. It’s not bad at all.
There’s a lot of lovely interaction between characters - as previously mentioned - and it's all good fun. The queen is not yet present. Gerold Royce, cousin to the late Rhea Royce, is present and extends his congratulations, when House Velaryon arrives, and a number of them are seated on the King’s table. Then, Daemon shows up and the servants pull up a chair for him at the King’s table, too, but it’s a last minute addition.
Then the King begins his speech, but is interrupted by Alicent’s appearance. She’s clad in a fancy green dress, which is revealed to be the color of the beacon in Old Town (ruled by the Hightower House) whenever Old Town is called to arms. She’s going to war, one could say, or she’s sending a message.
Alicent is a lot more callous towards Rhaeynra, and she also seems to not be fully into Viserys at the moment - not even into the role of being a good wife to him. The King gets to finish his speech, eliciting grand ovations from the gathered nobles, and the celebrations begin.
Things happen. Rhaenyra and Laenor dance, have a chat while doing so, Daemon is eyeing them up. Alicent has a chat with her uncle, who’s the voice of Old Town, and he informs her that she has Old Town’s backing. Rhaenyra and Laenor do some more dancing, with more people joining in.
Gerold Royce accuses Daemon of murdering Rhea Royce, but Daemon counters with nonchalance and the declaration that he’s going to fly to the Vale right after the party so that he may claim his inheritance - the whole of Runestone.
Joffrey and Laenor have a tiny chat, in which Joffrey shares that he has deduced Cole is the princess’ booty call. Daemon dances with Laena, with the two of them flirting with one another. Joffrey decides to inform Cole of his discovery, and indirectly tells him: “Ey, bud, you fuck the princess, I fuck the prince, and we both keep them as safe as we can, and things are wonderful, aight? We cool?”
But, unfortunately, Cole apparently has no brain. None at all. Why? Wait a moment, ladies, gentlemen and N-bees, and you’ll find out.
Daemon gets a ‘dance’ with Rhaenyra, and they… They flirt? They flirt, I suppose. She uses some of his own words in response to him, and things seem to be getting heated… Only for THE EVENT to take place.
Cole goes insane - literally - and starts beating Joffrey (unprovoked, mind you). Chaos breaks out. Laenor tries to come to Joffrey’s aid, but he gets PUNCHED by Cole (which is… A big no-no, one would assume. The princess’ betrothed being assaulted by a Knight of the King’s Guard - that’s a yikes). Guards are SHOWN coming in, but they do nothing. They just stand there. The remainder of the King’s Guard - they do nothing, too. Everyone just stares as Joffrey gets murdered by Cole, who beats his face in so hard and so many times that, by the end of it, there’s just minced meat.
Notice - Cole does not get apprehended. He does not get stopped. He does not get jailed– NOTHING happens to him. NOTHING. He KILLED a MEMBER OF A GREAT HOUSE’S ENTOURAGE. And nothing happened.
HOW? No one intervened. WHY? There were AT LEAST FOUR GUARDS that showed up. FOUR VERSUS ONE. Even if Cole is incredibly good at fighting, HE IS UNARMED. THEY HAD SWORDS!
The fact that not one of the people who have command over him demanded that he stopped was ludicrous. The fact that he does not get punished for ASSAULTING the FUTURE KING CONSORT is ludicrous.
It’s as if the writers just decided to destroy any and all credibility this show had. 0 plausibility, 0 believability, absolutely fucking stupid. And that’s not counting the reasoning behind this action, because there IS NO REASONING.
There is no reasoning. None whatsoever. Cole is a brainless pile of garbage - he was an interesting character in episodes 1 through 4, and now he’s the worst character in the entire show, because of the fact that he’s just the most badly written character out of them all.
He was X, but now he is Y. He was A, but now he is B. Not only that - ignoring the sudden and borderline unprovoked change of character - but he’s operating as a mindless plot puppet. None of his actions can be justified. This one, the killing of Joffrey - that’s unjustifiable.
What he knows - Laenor is okay with Rhaenyra having a lover, because he also has a lover. When this pretty-boy knight shows up and tells Cole that he cares for Laenor as Cole cares for Rhaenyra, Cole should have 100% understood that this man is Laenor’s lover.
Cole, at that point, should have known that he has AS MUCH AMMUNITION as the opposing team - even if they are all on one team. Joffrey wants things to be smooth so that he can keep loving Laenor, Laenor wants things to be smooth so he can keep loving Joffrey, Rhaenyra wants things to be smooth so that she can keep loving whoever she desires - in this case it’s Cole, and conceptually Cole ought to want to keep everything smooth so that, if he isn’t going to be loving Rhaenyra, at least Laenor is not going to have reasons to act against her interests.
Like, it’s so simple. If he kills Joffrey - which he does - he, by merit of being Rhaenyra’s lover, destroys the relationship between Laenor and Rhaenyra. Laenor will hate Cole’s guts, and by extension will have very disdainful feelings towards Rhaenyra. If the opposite were to happen, the same would apply, but in reverse - Rhaenyra would have Joffrey’s guts and want him dead, whilst also being very disdainful towards Laenor, because Laenor and Joffrey are hand in hand.
Cole, then, fails to make this simple calculation, and I suppose he decides: “Oh no! There’s now 4 total people, other than me, who know about my great dishonor! I must do something about this, I can’t control my emotions, I am an animal, me am angry, me am kill!”
And so he goes on to kill Joffrey. There’s no reason for him to be doing that. He’s established as witty. Witty means he’s at least a little smart, or he possesses an average mental ability. An average person would have no trouble concluding that he has been told, by Joffrey, not to fuck things up.
As a result of this, he then goes and fucks things up, ruining the fun for EVERYONE. There could be some caveat that goes along the lines of: “Well, Rhaenyra is threatened by the fact that these guys know she’s not a maiden no more, and she’s threatened by them because one of them is her husband and the other is her husband’s man-whore, and the threat is… There’s… There’s a threat, my pea-brain knows it! I must defend Rhaenyra! From the threat! The threat is this fabulously funky gay man!”
And… The celebrations end there.
Actually, no, there’s one good thing to come out of this chaotic scene. Rhaenyra, who was still dancing, gets lost in the crowd. Viserys is worried about her, but no one is doing anything. So then Lyonel locks eyes with his son, Harwin, gives him a nod, and Harwin just WALKS THROUGH THE CROWD, procures Rhaenyra and brings her to safety. Ey, folks, House Strong is really looking like it’s spawned a vast number of GOATs… Though they do have Larys, and he’s a bit stinky…
Either way, that’s that. The couple are quickly wed, with both of them teary-eyed (Laenor more-so than Rhaenyra), while Alicent is there. Meanwhile, the audience is treated to a scene featuring “sir” Criston “can’t keep my dick in my pants and my brain in my head” Cole, who’s somehow NOT APPREHENDED or dead, preparing to take his own life in front of the Godswood. He is stopped by Alicent, who just says ‘ser Criston’... Whilst also being at the wedding. Which wedding ends with Viserys fucking collapsing on the ground, by the way.
You know, shouldn’t his wife be with him to take care of him, or is it that Cole spent long enough for the night to go on so long that Alicent could make sure Viserys was alright, tuck him into bed, then go out into the Godswood - for some reason - and find Cole about to perform the ‘KMS’ (Kill MySelf) maneuver?
Or is he going positively insane and imagining things?
Either way, this show had a very nice lasagna. It was not totally fresh, but it was made a few hours ago and, with some reheating, would do for a very nice meal. So, instead of reheating it and serving it to the audience, the writers decided to throw it in a trash can field to the brim with rat piss and ferret sweat, to shit in that trash can, then fish out the thoroughly ruined lasagna and present it to the viewers.
It was so good up until the character of Cole was literally destroyed and then, subsequently, he destroyed the story. Astounding. If he does not suffer SERIOUS repercussions in the next episode, I don’t think I’m going to keep watching this show, because of just how horribly stupid the story decided to become. 0 believability and 0 plausibility. No idea how G.R.R.Martin can attach his name to this filth.
And it’s even more hurtful because of how GOOD everything else about this episode’s story was. It was so, so good! I’m done. 1/3
Legendary Point
Does this episode get the legendary point, so craved and wanted by all and none at the same time? NO! It does not! In fact, I wish I could go back in time and change the rules of my own review structure, allowing myself to give a MINUS ONE point for things that viciously disappointed me, but I’ll stick to having a cohesive and sustainable review structure.
If “sir” Criston “can’t keep my dick in my pants can’t calculate 1+1” Cole had not been so viscerally destroyed as a character, and along with him the entirety of the show had not been flung down the drain, I would’ve given it a legendary point because of Viserys’ chat with Lyonel Strong. I would’ve, but I ain’t. This shit doesn’t deserve anything. 0/1
Conclusion
5/10. This is vile. If you’ve any respect for yourself, you will watch this episode until the 54th minute mark, and then you’ll either stop watching House of the Dragon OR, if you’d like to keep going, you’re going to watch the next episode. You won't watch past the 54th minute mark, because the show is making a mockery of itself and of you for wasting your time with garbage like this.
On the wall of shame. It has been a while, it truly has, but I’ve never known one thing so fitting for the wall of shame. There’s dust on it, already, from the bag of mediocrity, but the work of the camera operators, set designers, outfit designers, and actors - that was all thoroughly ruined and for naught. This is a vile thing.