Bloody Boobs | a Review
originally published on 13/12/2024;
Hello everyone, I am the bloody G.E.M.Simov, a being so steeped in gore and viscera that I’ve lost all feeling in regards to it. Thus, I am qualified to tell you about this weird thing called “Bloody Boobs”.
Simple review details - I rank games on an out of 10 basis, granting up to 3 points in 3 categories, as well as a last, single point from my own self, depending on my experience with it.
Gameplay
Bloody Boobs (BB) is a third-person erotic(?) horror-survival game about walking around a maze while avoiding enemies, activating 4 special objects and escaping. The controls - WASD to walk around, Shift to toggle running, Control to toggle crouching. E to interact with things (the Altars) and a button of your choice to set a Bomb.
Sprinting is almost useless, and it would be totally useless, if it weren't for the fact that the monster AI is tremendous. Due to issues with the game’s Presentation, the enemies are almost invisible and the only way to know that there is an enemy chasing the Player’s Character (PC) is by hearing the music used for just that scenario.
However, when the music cuts off, that means the enemy is no longer chasing the PC, and that happens whenever the enemy loses line of sight of the PC or whenever it is most convenient for that to occur - it is very esoteric and really does not amount to much. Thus, sprinting helps in the sense that it might allow the Player to get out of the enemy’s line of sight.
Crouching, on the other hand, is almost unbearable to use, due to the fact that it makes the already slow normal movement speed of the PC go down by around 50%. Sneaking around might be helpful, but when there is nothing to be seen, and the distance covered is so miserable that it almost feels as though one is not moving, it’s nearly pointless. It does help with remaining out of the enemy line of sight.
Lastly, there are the bombs. The Player can find bombs around, and can then set them by using the appropriate button. If an enemy, or the PC, runs over them, they will explode and do massive damage - so much that whoever winds up doing so will die.
The big goal here is to find the four suspiciously phallic altars strewn about the maze, and to interact with them by holding down the E key for a decently long time. Doing that four times will open a portal that can be used to escape.
So, what are the merits of this game? It features womens breasts (which is great, according to the Steam Store Page which no longer exists) and it can be played in a multi-player context, allowing the Player to take control of the monster and chase down the other Players who are ordinary, smoking hot babes.
It is all clunky. The movement is very slow and very floaty, with every time the Player tries to turn, whether through the mouse or through the keyboard controls, the game either stutters violently or the Player’s movement speed gets dropped to such a low value that it’s quite literally 0, or maybe 1 (when the normal would be 50).
The enemies have obscene attack range, hitting the PC from ludicrous distances, they also detect the PC in the most insane situations (rendering sneaking quite unreliable), and… Well, everything about this game is horribly rough and very rudimentary, so much so that there is nothing really interesting about it.
The only pull that BB has is the fact that it’s called the way it is called and it really hams up the scantily clad women. That’s all. It’s so thoroughly un-enjoyable to play that I can not find any reason to not send it to the death realm, score-wise. 0/3
Presentation
BB, as a horror game, is dark and poorly lit. It is also very loud and features some incredibly weird sound related choices, however, aside from that, it does not look horrible.
As stated in the Gameplay section, this game is a 3D maze-running experience. As such, it presents the Player with the Player Character, a very scantily clad woman with a well defined rear and massive breasts, who winds up situated in the center of the screen.
A large amount of effort has gone into the PC’s model, and an even larger amount of effort has gone into implementing physics that make her breasts jiggle. Oddly enough, the lack of a jump button seems to contradict the apparent purposes of the game - which appear to be lecherous in nature.
The labyrinth itself also looks quite decent - in fact, it might even look better than the PC, on account of the fact that the animations associated with the latter are very uncanny and incredibly stiff, while the former are stationary. Alas, the overbearing darkness makes it almost impossible to discern anything at all, aside from some of the more important things - such as the Altars that the Player needs to interact with to escape.
Sound-wise, there is no voice acting related to the Characters - or perhaps there is. Now, the PC does not say a word - she gasps and moans in pain whenever damaged, but does not speak. The enemies also don’t speak - supposedly, as they growl in monstrous manners - but then there are, occasionally, voice lines that play. They are really crude and don’t come from any particular direction, instead just being there and serving to additionally destroy any slight amount of immersion that might be found.
The voices also ruin any chances of a scare occurring, except for the off-chance that they, themselves, startle the Player with their sudden and loud appearance. That’s how almost everything else operates - there is no music aside from the “chase” music which starts blaring when an enemy is chasing after the PC. There are very few sound effects, with there being the occasional sneeze and the constant popping of burning wood or torches.
Lastly, the tutorial is an illustration of a keyboard with all the buttons that do something being highlighted and connected to a line of text that explains what they are used for. Unfortunately, that illustration cannot be accessed again, unless the Player restarts the entirety of the game… And even then there’s no guarantee that it will stick around for long enough, due to the fact that it seems to be bound to the loading of the game, so the better one’s machine is, the shorter it will be present.
Overall, BB is unsightly, sounds bad or does not sound like anything at all and is very unpleasant to look at, with the exception of looking at a shapely female, though at that point it becomes very weird. 1/3
Story
There is no story in Bloody Boobs, aside from the premise - which is already stretching it all very thin. The Player Character, who is a busty babe, is locked in a funky maze, and there is a nasty, fiendish monster who wants to kill the busty babe, and the busty babe must find a bunch of altars, pray at them and escape. That’s all.
It’s nothing, especially when paired up with the nothing Gameplay and the nothing Presentation. 0/3
Legendary Point
Does this game get the legendary point, so craved and wanted by all and none at the same time? No. 0/1
Conclusion
1/10. A, frankly, terrible game that should not be played by anyone and can, thankfully, no longer be obtained through Steam. It had an idea, and that idea was probably to prey on horny teenagers, and that’s all it’s got going for it.
I feel as though the wall of shame is too good for it, but there it goes. What a wretched thing.