The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring | a Review/Rant
written around 2021;
This article is a transcript for something I was planning on making, but wound up not making, thus the stranger wording and its unfinished nature.
Hello there, ladies and gentlemen, my name is G.E.M.Simov and I have no qualifications to review any movie. I have, however, seen a lot of movies and have watched quite a lot of reviews for other movies, and I daresay I have an understanding of cinema.
So, I will talk about this movie and then rate it.
How will the rating go? I will first talk about the movie from a point of view concerned with the way the movie looks, sounds, and feels, which will yield up to 4 points. Then, I will rate the acting in the movie. As I feel as if I lack the ability to recognize good acting from mediocre or even bad acting, this one can provide up to 1 point.
Then, I will rate the story in a spoiler-rich section, with a yield of up to 4 points. This one is going to be quite subjective, but then again, all of them are, so keep in mind this is my opinion. Lastly, I will keep 1 point which I would hand out if I appreciated the movie and it left something from itself within me.
And, without further ado, let me begin.
1
The movie I will be talking about is “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring”, as you might have guessed from the title of the video. This review will be a little different from what I would normally look to make, but, alas, it is what it is.
A reason that might lead us into why the review is different is, obviously, the ongoing crisis with COVID19 – being trapped in one’s home, one cannot help but do things that require solitude – one of those things is reading. Having just read the Lord of the Rings trilogy in less than a Week. Yes, I called it a trilogy, even if it is a single novel, because the books were sold separate and I’d have wasted almost 70 British Pounds if I didn’t have the option to refund a book! I felt the urge to watch the movies – In order, and see what was what, as I had only actively watched the first movie, and the other two had been more or less simple snippets in my memory from when I’d catch them on TV but never really stick around to see the whole thing.
As I was watching the first movie, I caught myself seeing things that I did not like. I noticed inconsistencies, poor acting, horrible action sequences, weird choices with the adaptation – all in all, Hollywood schlock. Thus, I decided to put my frustration in a TINY and not at all MASSIVE review of all three movies. Of course, I will not be reviewing them in one video, nor will I be covering a whole film in a video, but still, those will be long pieces of what could be interpreted as “Criticism”.
Now, a last bit of warning – I would have wanted to go off and keep this secluded in sections – one including spoilers and one without, but I will not be doing that. I’ll just go and start it off, so keep in mind the whole video is spoiler territory. But if you have neither read the books, nor seen the movie, what are you doing watching this review?
So, we begin. The opening is very underwhelming – Why is that, you might ask, and I will tell you, as this is what the whole review is for.
Right off the bat we start with Elvish – another word for Gibberish – and then that, which is whispered in Elvish, is spoken by, I think, Cate Blanchett (as in Galadriel). Why would you do that? It feels bad. The words in Elvish are so quiet that they trail off into UNINTELLIGIBLE silence before the sentences are even complete! In addition – what is with the profound use of elvish? Straight off, from the beginning, I could tell something was off – the books, all of them, are very scarce when it comes to Elvish – as in, Tolkien does not go off writing IN Elvish and having characters speak in Elvish directly. There are words in Elvish, quite commonly, but they are used tastefully – examples of characters not knowing the word for the object or thing in the common tongue or characters giving the name known to them, then using the name commonly known to the reader.
This is used to bring about a mystique, to make the viewer feel enchanted by this magical, eerie start-point. I do not fault Peter Jackson for that, but this is too much. The sheer fact that I enjoyed the logos of this movie shows that the atmosphere was well set – the low, foreboding hum of the music by Howard Shore is doing the job quite well enough – I don’t need some husky whispering in my ear that’s abruptly cut off by Galadriel, who’s voice is not all that pleasant to listen to, compared to the quiet and soothing whisper.
I’m going to refrain from mentioning things that affect the story, so we go over that as a few seconds of black screen pass and we are treated to the title of the movie.
Then we are treated to a set of scenes that are more or less a collage of events that are being voiced over. A big mistake that is made here is showing an elf, who I can assume is Galadriel, as it should be, wearing a certain piece of jewelry on her finger – this was a point of contention in the books, and you could have had a sudden reveal for the audience, a moment of surprise and awe – instead, it is thrown away in this unsatisfying first scene that shows us elves. The focus on Galadriel is also blatantly disturbing, as the ring she wields is not the most powerful of the three, yet it appears as if it is the most important. Hell, the viewer can’t even SEE the third ring! Also, where is Elrond? Where is Gandalf? If you are going to be blatantly showing us who has which ring, why not just show us all of them?
There is an actor with black long hair and then an actor with long white or graying hair, but neither of them looks AT ALL like either Gandalf or Elrond. Are we going to ignore this? I know it is an adaptation, but it has ALREADY failed. Way to go, less than a minute and a half into the movie and we are already getting mixed messages – are we going to keep it secret, or are we not? What is going on? Does Elrond even have a ring? Is Elrond real? Who knows?
Then she goes and makes a very weird facial expression, paired with her hair being blown back softly by a sudden wind – What the hell is that? Emphasis on how powerful the rings are? Some implication of how unwise and insignificant the elves were up until that point? You’d make that facial expression if you were caught off guard, surprised by something – the three elves depicted there doubtless knew that the rings were going to be incredibly powerful – literally their names “Rings of Power”.
Alas, the strangeness of women of the elven kind does not end here. We are then treated to a shot of seven dwarves. All of them are standing around a tiny podium and then they hold up the rings triumphantly. That’s just miserable. The dwarves are being DESCRIBED as craftsmen as this is shown to us, yet we do not get them gazing at the rings and appreciating the craftsmanship that has gone into them. Well, not for a long time, that is – there is some looking at them, but nothing in depth – they just thrust their arms up and almost shout “Look at our rings!” The elves seemed more interested in that aspect of their new accessories.
Then we get the nine rings given to nine human kings. Men, above all, desire power – that really annoys me as a sentiment, but some New-Wave Feminist or SJW might find this statement to their liking. What is worse – this does not really appear in the books. What is written in the book is: “Nine for Mortal Men Doomed to die.”
This fits in with the HORRIBLE narrative that Jackson or whatever the person, responsible for adapting this, was forcing upon Aragorn – but we’ll get to that later. In any case, men are VERY BAD AND WANT ONLY POWER, VERY BAD! This does set up a redemption arc for the WHOLE RACE and explains away some strange racist behavior from some characters in the movie, who were, obviously, lacking in prejudice in the book.
The scene fades to black and then we get to look at a map of Middle Earth. Pretty nice, if it were to happen just once, but then we are bombarded with maps, so it loses its enchanting factor. But Galadriel keeps talking, and I just wanted to stop listening. Why is this the power of the rings? Who thought this was a good idea? Having a ring makes you a horrible tyrant with the power to rule your whole race? This, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call bullcrap.
In the book, the rings the elves have are used to create life, to heal! Now I have to look at this horror and despair – why are you making the rings, all of them, bad? This is just… Unfortunate, and a bad choice.
The sound design here is very good, and the whole thing is pleasant. The somewhat droning voice of Galadriel could have been more emotive, but I can’t blame miss Blanchett here – after all, the way Galadriel is described in the book makes imagining how she truly speaks quite difficult – tone and other such details.
Then the audio changes, and the que is quite nice – the music becomes tense and suspenseful! Good! We get a zoom in on Mordor, then we see the erupting volcano! Good! And then we get a quick zoom in on Sauron’s goofy looking face.
All the suspense is gone – I burst in laughter. This looks so goofy – the lighting should have been wholly different, the zoom show have been slow, and the camera should have panned, if you wanted to show the Dark Lord and make him look, you know, dark! He’s almost golden, almost glowing – that’s not evil, nor is it evil the way Tolkien describes it! Really, really BAD choice on Jackson’s part. Could have been a lot better.
The fiery transition is good, quite adequate, burning away the image of this goofy looking Sauron and presenting us with an ACTUAL image of the Dark Lord – tall, imposing, flames around him, wind blowing at his apparel… Now that is a Dark Lord – this I like, very much so.
Fire moves us about scenes, showing us the ring spinning, then fire again, and we see his overly large gauntlet, the ring upon it, and his GOOFY face just glaring at us from in between his fingers. This is really forcing it – I don’t know why, but I really dislike this – he looks too bulky, too silly. It could be constraints of the suit, constraints of the age they were filming in, as 2001 is a long way away from good looking villains in fantasy settings, ALTHOUGH “Willow” is a movie that exists and NAILS the look of its villains.
The whole deal with Sauron looking like an absolute Pinata, instead of a threatening bad guy, makes me sad, because just a moment after that we are treated to orcs and goblins – and those look GREAT! Although the shot before the baddies has the good guys, who look kind of goofy, no lie can be said about that.
The scenic shot of the battle is great, I really like it – brings scale to the whole thing. Then we see Elrond, who looks a little weird, but it is what it is. The elven shield wall is great, the rain of arrows killing scores of orcs is splendid, and then the scene with the first line, which is composed of soldiers wielding these glaive-like weapons, and how they just spin them in such a synchronized manner, cutting down the orcs – OH YES this is amazing. It really is. Great stuff, good work, Jackson!
We get some action scenes and the king just raising his sword in victory, when they have not won yet – you know, the usual. AND THEN SAURON! How does this happen, I don’t know, but oh wow does he look a million times better here! In black armor, tall, yet slender, imposing and horrifying to behold – an incredible difference from the joke we saw just a few scenes ago.
Then he kills some dudes, and the king goes in, gets slapped, dies – his son runs up to him, in the middle of a raging battle, TAKES HIS HELMET OFF, and starts crying – what the HELL is this? Who taught this man how to fight? What is going on here?
The sheer fact that Sauron breaks the sword by stepping on it is unsatisfying. Then he just makes to reach for Isildur – why? What is your reasoning you idiot? And, of course, Isildur cuts his fingers and Sauron dies. Straight up.
Then the Dark Lord blows up and KNOCKS PEOPLE, WHO ARE HUNDREDS OF FEET AWAY FROM HIM, ON THEIR BACKS – what happens with Isildur? Well, Isildur, he just somewhat gets pushed a bit back, but not too much, don’t want him feeling uncomfortable, do we?
We get a good shot of Sauron’s helmet falling on the ground, smoking, the sound effects being on point, the music being great – all in all, splendid scene.
Then Isildur’s goofy face is looking at Sauron’s comically fat finger, and, just… The juxtaposition is unsatisfying. Such a great scene followed up by something that almost made me laugh – oh wow. Just sad.
Isildur looks really funny and inappropriately puffed up in most of the scenes we get to see of the opening here. He is a king, a man of the west – but he looks like an overstuffed turkey. Very unfitting.
More of the propaganda that MEN ARE BAD, MEN EVIL – EASILY CORRUPTED – Bruh, Elrond did not even dare to touch the thing because he was afraid he would get tempted by it, and you’re yapping your mouth about how “the hearts of Humans are easily corrupted”… A major bruh moment right over here, quite unreasonably stupid.
We are treated to some HORRIBLE slow motion of Isildur dying. Them getting ambushed like that, a little hard to believe, but alright. He did not send out scouts because he figured the enemy was totally beaten, alright. Good enough. But it looks as if he is JUST leaving the battlefield, and then he dies, which is somewhat inconsistent – where did he get the time to write a total recollection of the ring, which later on Gandalf finds and reads? This is not good, at all.
Why, in the first place, does he run? It looks as if the battle is, at the moment that he puts the ring on, a stalemate. But then he walks a few paces, jumps in the water, and AS SOON AS HE IS IN THE WATER the ring falls of, and there are orcs just WAITING for him to appear in the river, or some such garbage. His death scene is really wonky, too, because jumps in the water, in his HEAVY PLATE ARMOR and just swims through. Then he gets shot AND HIS BODY FLOATS UP TO THE SURFACE AS IF HE IS NOT WEARING ANYTHING. Oh wow. Amazing, really. What a sequence.
The things being spoken by Galadriel become more sensible, which is pretty nice, I like it. We are treated to some pretty scenic shots, after a hand picks up the Ring, and then the camera pans over the remnants of dead fish and rests upon the crooked figure of Gollum – now that is a good scene, If I’ve ever seen one – it looks great! The disturbing glow of Gollum’s eyes, the thin strands of hair, the croaking voice, the darkness all around him – very powerful scene in its intention to make the viewers feel threatened or uneasy.
Then Bilbo is shown finding the Ring – excuse me what? The amount of control the ring has over itself is incredible, according to Galadriel – its shown to be, LITERALLY, going down a flight of natural stairs, Toy Story style, but as soon as Bilbo lays eyes upon it – it stops. And also, Gollum does not immediately just start screeching – Bilbo finds the ring and then has the riddle game with Gollum, and then Gollum can’t guess the last riddle so he goes off to grab the ring to use it to kill Bilbo, but it is not there – we’re shown nothing of the sort – if anything, Bilbo comes off as an asshole – ‘’the precious is lost, eh? Better run off with this ring I conveniently found that is, probably, easily describable as precious to a creature that eats fish and does not even have clothing”.
Really nasty, but hey, we get some nice scenic shots thereafter, so it is all good, right?
Transition to a map with someone talking about things concerning Hobbits. It’s Bilbo! The song slowly coming in, the messy, lived in look of his room – very nice. He then goes on to introduce Hobbits, as a concept, to the viewer. I don’t have much to say about this sequence, other than the fact that it is quite nice. His mischievous nature is revealed as he laughs at a joke he makes that is on the expense of his own kind. There is a knock, but Bilbo does not answer – instead, he calls for Frodo to open it, showing us that he is either lazy, busy, or both. It culminates with us getting a heartwarming set of words spoken by Bilbo, along with the setting up of a party in honor of mister Baggins’ birthday. But then the knocking keeps going – Frodo is nowhere to be seen.
The transition is good, into the next scene – Frodo is reading something, and the sound of singing is audible. We see a cart … And Gandalf! We do not know it is Gandalf, not yet, at least, but… I could tell. There is a very nice, very mobile shot of Frodo running through the forest and my oh my do I appreciate that! It looks so good, with an intensity that is only held back by the gentle tune in the background. This is the type of shots that I am looking for – stuff that touches ME!
Frodo appears before the cart and has some banter with Gandalf – the wizard is late. The shot during which we first see Ian McKellen is fittingly good, although it was a bit more ominous than the music let on. But then the Hobbit gets corrected, in jest, and we get to see that Frodo and Gandalf are dear friends. I was not left with the impression that the two of them were that close in the book, not at their first meeting, but I feel as if it is permissible.
We get exposition, REPEATED, and then we find out Bilbo is Frodo’s uncle – that is for those who had not read the book, and Frodo rides with Gandalf as they chat. Then Bilbo cuts in with his narration, which is good up until the point when he says “There’s always been a Baggins living here, under the hill”. Uh, I think the fuck not! What about that one time when you flew off on an Adventure, Bilbo? Or it does not count? Does it? An inconsistency that caught me even the first time I watched the movie – why’d you need to say that? To emphasize how great a change was coming? How mundane and slow things are in the Shire? It doesn’t help with that, I’m afraid. It’s more or less a tad too much on the self-serving part.
And yes, sure, you can say that he speaks from his point of view of before 60 or however many years it was when he left off – up until then, it might have been true. Why is that? Because he is writing a book. But the sheer fact is that this story is not Bilbo’s tale – it’s Frodo’s journey to Mordor. It’s not “There and back again”, it’s “The downfall of the Lord of the Rings and the Return of the King”.
Nevertheless, he then adds “and there always will be” – making me doubt the truth of his claim – there was no Baggins in Baggend when he flew off, and there it is. But that could be called a minor nit-pick – still, I mark it. I get it, Jackson, you are trying to tell me how GREAT a change it will be for Frodo, how far from the status quo he will be forced to go, due to the events, I get it… But it does not mean I approve of it.
Frodo informs Gandalf of his worries and the music suitably changes, seamlessly, might I add, into a more suspenseful, a little worrisome tune that is very fitting. Gandalf’s face is jumped to, even though Frodo is the only one talking, implying that the wizard knows something of the matter.
Then we see a strange panic attack come over Bilbo, the music really adding here – very good – as he looks for something. He is almost hysterical by the time he finds it, even though its been less than a minute of searching! He treasures that, which he finds. We don’t get to see what that thing is, but I think everyone can guess.
Frodo then goes on about how the Baggins were respected before the wizard came, and how Gandalf has been labeled a disturber of the peace, which is just bollocks – why? I have no memory of this being in the book! Bilbo is very respected in the books, and so is Frodo, and Gandalf is not mentioned as a naughty figure, nor a good figure – he’s just Gandalf. That could be my 1 week old memory speaking, but I am certain this is just coming out of the writer or Jackson’s arse.
I guess they really need to reinforce that Hobbits DO NOT go out on adventures, and that it is VERY atypical for any one of them to be wanting to leave the shire. How great a deed it is to break out of your comfort zone, aha! It would be okay, if not for something that happens later on in the movie. I will mention it, do not worry!
Then we get a—A LITTLE FUNNY, HOHO, A LITTLE GOOF, HAHA
Honestly, I don’t know why that’s there, but fine, so be it. Some old Hobbit chuckles at Gandalf letting off a few fireworks for the kids running after the cart, and then that same Hobbit’s wife gives him an ugly look, as if he’s doing something bad! Hoho, funny! I figured that, perhaps, it could be that Frodo was just bamboozling Gandalf with his chatter that he was a distributor of the peace, and that the chuckle of the old Hobbit would be an indirect way of showing the audience that it is so, but alas, it is not so! Gandalf, BAD, because he made Bilbo BREAK THE STATUS QUO! OH DEAR OH DEAR!
Are you noticing a theme already, ladies and gents? It’s only going to get worse.
The Frodo goes off and Gandalf gets to Bilbo’s hole. I really appreciate the shots that linger on Gandalf’s face, as I feel that it actually helps with indirectly showing the viewer that Gandalf knows about what is to come, as if he has knowledge of it and is saddened by the fact that the peace of the Shire is about to be disturbed.
NO ADMITTANCE EXCEPT ON PARTY BUSINESS