By G.E.M.Simov in Game Reviews — 07 Jun 2026

UNi | a Review

originally published on 03/09/2022;

Hello everyone, I am the multiple-personality-disordered G.E.M.Simov, a goonie that’s divided in two, here to tell you about UNi.

Simple review details - I rank games on an out of 10 basis, granting up to 3 points in 3 categories, as well as a last, single point from my own self, depending on my experience with it.

Gameplay

First things first - this game’s controls are HORRIBLE. Whenever I attempt using the keyboard and mouse, I can’t navigate the menu. When I whip out a controller and start using it, things start working, but when I start playing the game, I control BOTH characters.

Both, yes. This (UNI) is actually a large collection of games - 40 of them, each essentially a flash game for two players. Thus, each game is played by two people, with one player beating the other player in

How, then, am I to go about reviewing this game? Reviewing 40 games in total? Well, maybe I could do that. How will I do that? In a rapid-fire round.

Basket Ball - shoot the hoop with your buddy. To shoot the hoop you need to time your shot while an indicator moves through a line, with the middle being where the indicator needs to be for you to shoot the hoop right. When one player gets a third of the score to winning, the hoop starts moving from left to right and back, and when a player gets two thirds of the score to winning, the hoop starts zig-zagging from left to right and back.
The indicator moving through a line works very poorly with this moving hoop, so this one isn’t all that good, and the complexities that it involves are supremely lackluster. This is, however, evidently a game for kids - as are all the games in UNI, so 2/3
Command King - press the button depicted on the jar to break the jar, and then press the button depicted on the next jar. Do that faster than your buddy to win! When you get it wrong, you lose your ability to actually input commands is taken away - your character gets stun-locked, so messing up once means you kinda just lose. Fortunately for you, the buttons are all horrendously labeled! Instead of ‘A’ or ‘B’ (on an xBox controller), we’ve got ‘RB’ or ‘LK’, which is… Weird. Fortunately, there is a legend at the bottom of the screen, but this is just wrong, so 1/3
Pong Soccer - move your character up and down, using them as a means of blocking a ball from going into your side of the field. It’s almost like soccer, but you’re fat and sluggish, the ball starts play, moving in the direction of the guy who just scored, coming out of the guy who just had a goal scored on him. There’s two goons in the middle, moving randomly, who can be very problematic, and sometimes the ball moves faster than the Player Characters (PCs) can, so it goes awry, but still 2/3
Break Out - a variation of pong with two players, each needing to break blocks to get the score required to win. Some blocks do special things, such as making the other player’s character thinner, making it harder for them to get their ball, others give your character the ability to fire 2 bullets that break blocks and make you get points for that! You can also bend your character slightly to further control where the ball goes, and then there’s also the fact that the balls can bounce off of each other. Not bad, quite interesting, but he who gets the rainbow block first tends to win, so 2/3
Opening Bottles - a game of timing. A gauge fills up and you have to press the button when the gauge is full. Do so enough times, before your opponent does that enough times, and you win the game. Very simple, not very interesting, 1/3
Assassin - the Players control identical characters who are shoved in a crowd of identical looking characters who move about and occasionally shoot. The winner is he who doesn’t get shot. In theory, this could be quite cool, trying to figure out who’s the PC and who’s an NPC (non-Player Character), and, fortunately, it is, but the controls are very clunky and oftentimes they just stop working, so its easy to tell PCs and NPCs apart, thus 2/3
Coin Stack - control one of two hands as they move vertically (without you being able to control their movements) and press a button to drop a coin. He whose coin falls off the tower loses. Simple, though seemingly simulating physics decently well, this one is relatively neat, 3/3
GoldenX - you are an Axe. In the middle of the screen appears an object with a color. If your Axe is red, you must hit the red objects, if your Axe is blue, you must hit the blue objects. If you miss, you lose ‘HP’ (Health Points, supposedly). If you hit an object of the wrong color, you lose ‘HP’. There are also yellow objects which hurt if you hit them, so don’t hit them. He who loses all their HP first loses the game. It’s not bad, but it’s super simple and could have benefited from a bit more in way of mechanics, thus 2/3
Super Jetboy - you are spaceman who can only move with a jetpack. You can tilt yourself to the left or to the right to direct yourself. If you touch anything, you die. There are a few checkpoints you can make use of, and you must reach a door. He who reaches the door first wins. Simple, but interesting. The movement is a tad too sluggish for my tastes, but it’s actually very competent, so 3/3
Fly me to the Moon - press the button fast. Literally. Press the button faster than your buddy to beat him. This is quite dreadful, 1/3
Gun Fight - press the button when you hear a sound. He who presses the button first wins. This is also quite dreadful, but a bit more... Still, 1/3
Catch the Flag - a relatively interesting platformer which is a competition on which PC will reach the goal first. Push a rock to make yourself a platform so you can make the next jump, press the button to jump, time your jumps right and you should have it in the bag. Super simple, but almost good enough, though the movement of the characters is… Slow… 2/3
Survival - spin the controller’s joystick faster than the opponent! Literally! Dreadful, much like number 10, so 1/3
Rock Paper Sense - this one is actually interesting. There’s Rock, there’s Paper and there’s Scissors. You have a limited amount of time to select one of the three - while the other player can see you selecting, and you can see them selecting - and you MUST confirm your selection before the rock paper and scissors disappear from the screen. Then, Rock Paper Scissors happens. Beat your opponent so and so many times, first, and you win. This is ACTUALLY intriguing, allowing for some… Mind Games. Keep in mind that if you do not confirm your selection, you lose by default - unless the other player also failed to confirm their selection. 3/3
Legend Drummer - there’s a sequence of buttons. Perform the sequence of buttons around ten times, faster than your buddy, and you win. Making a mistake does not cancel the sequence, rather continues it, but you’ve no indication that’s the case. Making a mistake drains the score you’ve accumulated, so you don’t want to make mistakes. This one isn’t bad, conceptually, but it’s long and clunky, so 2/3
Dodge This - control a spaceship while bullets are flying at you. Whoever dies first loses, and you die after getting hit by a bullet a number of times. Simple, not too bad, but not too good. There are also homing bullets, but they aren’t at all different from the non-homing ones, so you can’t tell they’re homing before they start homing in on you, so 2/3
Dodge Racer - you’re a car moving forwards. Move vertically to avoid falling tires and also blockades. The falling tires slightly push you back, and getting hit by two in a row makes your opponent get some score. Blockades block you off and make your opponent get some score. Unfortunately, there’s no indication HOW the blockade will be laid out, so you just get blockaded based on random chance. Interesting in concept, bad in execution. Also, the SFX were very unpleasant, so 1/3
Crane - not a crange game, but a crane game. Objects fall from the ceiling and pile on in a ‘basket. You have a bomb attached to a chain that’s swinging off the ceiling, you can move the chain on a vertical line and drop the bomb by pressing the button. Your goal is to make as many objects fall out of your side of the basket, accumulate a certain amount of score first and get the win. Not bad, conceptually, but not well done either, so 2/3
RPG - not an RPG. Maybe a shitty Eastern MMORPG, because you spam the button to upgrade your weapon. When you get an upgrade, you get a chance to fail - the more times your weapon is upgraded, the more likely is the upgrade to fail, which means you go back one upgrade - you get a downgrade. The more upgraded your sword, the more damage you do. Both characters swing once every 1.5/2 seconds. Whoever loses all their HP first loses. This one… Not that cool, but there’s some room for strategy. Deciding whether to gamble a decently upgraded weapon away or to hold it… eh, 1/3
Do androids count of sheep - a bunch of weird looking sheep walk from one side of the screen to the other. The Players need to count the number of sheep. There are some non-sheep thrown in the mix. At the end of the sheep’s passage, the Player who’s closer to the actual number of sheep wins. Very… Uninspired, so 1/3
GoBattle - there are 5 pawns of a color on the board, there’s two colors. Pick a pawn and then pick a direction in which you want to propel it, after which a gauge pops up - said gauge fills up and empties at a rapid pace, you need to time your button press with how much power you want your pawn to get propelled with - full gauge for max power, empty for minimum. The goal is to shove all the other pawns in the sides of the field, which are lasers that destroy them. There are constantly moving barriers on the side of the field which can prevent a pawn from going into the lasers, so that’s something to keep in mind. There seems to be a great dis-balance here, with the player who goes first being far more likely to win than the player who goes second, but that’s what it is. Otherwise, really neat, 2/3
Chicken Race - cars are going fast. You need to stop your car from colliding with a barrel, but you need to cover as much distance as possible. Whoever covers more distance wins (unless someone hits the barrel, in which case they lose by default). This one controls horribly, is not very inventive or fun, and thus 1/3
LAPD - not the Los Angeles Police Department, so it’s sad by default. You are a hand with a pair of tongs in it. You can move the hand up and down. A bunch of objects are moving up from the bottom of the screen. Some are fruits, some are veggies, some are pastries. You press the button to throw your tongs. If you hit a fruit, you get the ‘ow’, if you hit a veggie, you get the ‘ow’, but if you hit a pastry, you get the score. Reach a certain amount of score before the other player and you win. This one is not really funky, mostly because it presents eating sweets as a good thing, but it’s actually neat that you can get a combo by getting only pastries in a row, without messing up. 2/3
Alpha Battle - no, not Andrew Tate vs Alex Jones, but A vs A, the letters. You control a letter (A) and you need to bump into the next letter in the alphabet (B) to become B so that you can then repeat all the way till the end of the alphabet (Z). He who becomes Z wins. The letters of the alphabet are randomly strewn about around you and you just use the joystick to navigate, nothing too interesting, quite bland, but with a reasonably neat learning opportunity for kids, 2/3
Math Quize - why is it called Quize? I would never be able to tell. It is, however, just a math game. Literally. There’s an addition on the screen (say 28+39) and the Player controls an arrow that can spin around in a pie chart with 10 slices, each being a number from 0 to 9. He who guesses the result of the addition first gets some score, and then he who gets a certain amount of score first wins. Reasonably educational, but damn me if it isn’t a lame game, so 1/3
Crazy Soccer - soccer, but with cars. There’s a bunch of yellow cars that drive around, each hitting the ball once and then going to do a little spin around the field before trying to hit the ball again. There’s a goalie car that goes back and from the leftmost point of the goal to the rightmost point of the goal. Then there’s the player, a car that can move around and ALSO dash slightly - intriguing. Get… Four(?) goals before the other player to win! The fact that you have these variables that mess with you - the yellow cars - and you also have the option to dash slightly make this quite intriguing. It is, however, very clunky, and the SFX for the dash are atrocious. 2/3
Dart - it’s almost darts, but not quite. There’s a dart board spinning wildly, and you are a hand with a dart. Press the button to throw your dart. The goal is to not throw a dart on top of an already thrown dart. It is not very self evident that that is the way to win, but it is. This one is almost engaging, but it’s very silly, so 2/3
Juice Please - this one is also weird. There’s four fruits, each corresponding to a certain button. One player presses a number of buttons (2+1 for each passing turn) and the other player needs to repeat the sequence. It’s Simon Says, I suppose, but the controls make it very clunky, and it isn’t very original, so 2/3
Robotic vacuum cleaner - you are a roomba. A bad roomba, because you can only rotate in one direction. You continuously go forward and need to collect trash from the ground. He who collects a set amount of trash first wins. There are some obstacles that prevent you from moving for a bit, when hit, but they also disappear when hit, so there might be a bit of thinking to be done - such as do I take this stun but then get more room to operate, or do I try to operate around the obstacle with my monstrously unresponsive and barely controllable roomba? It’s quite lackluster, so 1/3
Odd Fencing - spin the joystick to move your fencer towards the other fencer. He who touches the other fencer with their rapier first gets some score, and he who gets a certain amount of score first wins. This one is atrociously unfun, but the idea is there, I suppose, so 1/3
SPACE WAR - it’s Space Invaders, but bad. Your ship is sluggish and shoots incredibly slowly moving bullets, whilst the enemy ships move faster than you and shoot faster bullets. If you get hit, you get stopped from firing, but you can still get hit, so you can wind up unable to fire for an infinitely long time (although you can still move to avoid getting hit while barreling out of control). He who gets a certain number of baddie alien ship kills first is the winner. This one is quite game-y, but it’s not that good. 2/3
Pinch Hitter - a horrible baseball-based game in which you have to press the button at the right time. There are objects being thrown at you, and you swing the bat (or sword if you’re Player 2) and hit them. There is, however, a problem. You should only hit the playing balls (basketballs, soccer balls, tennis balls, baseballs) otherwise you get a foul and lose a lot of score. You also lose score if you fail to strike one of the balls. There’s also the meme where the objects can be censored - blurred, and thus harder to make out - and also significantly downsized, and thus harder to make out. It’s best when they’re both blurred and downsized, resulting in a speck of dirt on the screen moving. This one isn’t actually bad, but it feels clunky, so 2/3
Landing on the Moon - the continuation of 10, you’re in a rocket ship that’s slowly falling towards the ground. You need to use your button to propel yourself upwards, whilst also tilting the rocket ship to the left or to the right, so that you can fall on the ground as close to the goal as possible. You’ve got limited fuel, and the controls are monstrously bad, so you won’t be getting a good result. The winner is he who lands closest to the goal. This one has the concept, but it’s not very intriguing and is also badly done, so 1/3
Moles attack - it’s mole whacker. You are a hammer floating menacingly above nine holes in the garden. On occasion, a mole pops up from one of the holes and then goes back in the hole. You need to use the joystick to position the hammer above that mole and then press the button to whack it. He who whacks a set number of moles first wins. The controls feel a bit off, but otherwise it’s a solid-ish foundation, so 2/3
INTERNET_DISCONNECTED - the title says it all. It’s the dinosaur game you can play on google chrome when you’ve no internet connection, but it’s worse, made so by the stinky music and sound effects, as well as the more sluggish movement. Soils the memory of the dino, 1/3
TIME! - You are a block of text. There’s a timer going up on the top of the screen, and a line of text saying what the target time is. You need to press the button and stop your counter when the timer going up reaches the target time… Or when you think that happens, because a number of things will go wrong (mostly the timer will disappear and you’ll have to count by yourself). He who is closest to the target time when they stopped their timer wins. Not bad, not good. Actually, quite bad, because there’s barely any game to be played here, thus 1/3
Watch your back! - another soccer themed car game, but it’s more of an ‘IO’ ‘Snake’ mess. You are a car with a tail of soccer balls hanging from your bum. Your goal is to run over all of the other player’s soccer balls. The balls can be detached from the car by popping the ball between the remainder of the balls and the car. He who pops the balls first wins. This one’s movement is monstrously bad, because it feels as though I’m on oiled up ice, sliding about without being able to really control the car. Still, it is an idea, so… 1/3
Not in my Back Yard - you are a tank in a field separated by a white line. There are five objects on that white line. You can move, shoot and rotate. There’s also a timer. Your goal is to shoot the objects over the white line into the half of the field belonging to the other Player, and to have more objects in their half of the field when the timer expires than there are objects in your half of the field. Actually not a bad idea, but it’s not too phenomenal, so 2/3
ROAD FIGHT - you are a car. On a race track. You have to finish three laps before your opponent. There are ‘obstacles’ on the track that barely slow you down as you barrel through them. There is no way for you to go off track. You just spin the joystick to orient your vehicle in the direction you’d like your car to go in, and then press the button to pass gas. Conceptually, pretty sound. Actually, not a bad way to pass the time if you’re a mindless child (unfortunately, no child is truly mindless and letting your child play this ‘game’ is going to make them more likely to become mindless, as it is quite dull). So… 2/3
Hand tremor - you do not have Essential Tremor disorder. You are the roomba from 29. You can turn in any direction this time. You are in a ‘maze’, and you need to get to the goal before the other Player. Also, if one of you touches the walls, the ‘maze’ breaks and he who touched the wall loses. Not too bad, not too interesting, 2/3

After performing this fantastic review storm, I have concluded that these 40 mini-games that are, most of them, worse than flash games, are… Made for kids. On top of that, they’re not made in a respectful manner, such as a game like LocoRoco is made. They’re seemingly made as a bit of a cash-grab, or rather by a very amateur team of developers who have not had many encounters with good games made for kids, or who haven’t had many encounters with kids, or who don’t respect the intelligence of a kid…

Admittedly, a kid barely has any intelligence, but by presenting the child with good, engaging conundrums or things that involve mental activity, one stimulates its growth. These games… There were around three that could contribute, and they were barely games. So, on a whole, UNI doesn’t make the cut. 1/3

Presentation

UNI looks bad. Now, one could argue that it isn’t actually bad, due to the fact that the art style of things is decent, and the way game objects and their relevance to the Player is presented is good. Most things ARE color coded, which indicates to the Player what is what.

However, this game has the look. The look being the appearance of content made for kids without being made with passion. You might have heard of an Elsa dress up game, or an Elsa doctor game, or any kind of Elsa game - and, frankly, that’s the look. It’s a thing that looks soulless due to its close resemblance to things that are obviously not… Not made with the idea of quality in mind.

In addition to that, there’s a bunch of music tracks that pop in here and there, which tracks might be the best part of UNI as a whole, but still aren’t incredible, and then there are the mentioned in the ‘Gameplay’ section Sound Effects. These are mostly horrible and draining and wholly unpleasant.

Though it is still relatively competently done. 2/3

Story

No, there’s none. Not even an inkling of emergent story-telling, not even a vague attempt. There’s just nothing. 0/3

Legendary Point

Does this game get the legendary point, so craved and wanted by all and none at the same time? NO, and need I elaborate? 0/1

Conclusion

3/10. This is a bad game. The fact that it’s made for kids doesn’t make it permissible. How is LocoRoco the peak of console gaming ever since its inception, whilst being a game made for kids, incapable of being overthrown even by massive titles like God of War, Uncharted or The Last of Us? It was made well. This one… It wasn’t. I would not recommend buying it under any circumstance, unless you’re planning on playing this with your friends, while heavily intoxicated, for shits and giggles.

I hang it on the wall of shame. It is very shameful. So shameful, in fact, that I almost don’t want to hang it there. I… I don’t like this one. It’s bad.

the Notifier