Football Manager Handheld 2012 | a Review
originally published on 14/04/2021;
Hello everyone, I am the most effective manager for any football team, soccer or american, to have ever lived - G.E.M.Simov, and today I will tell you about my exploits as a goon who HAS actually played Football Manager Handheld 2012 for the PSP.
Word of caution - this is not an ordinary review.
Simple review details - I rank games on an out of 10 basis, granting up to 3 points in 3 categories, as well as a last, single point from my own self, depending on my experience with it. Also, I am a gameplay designer and a writer so I got the credentials to talk shit.
And so - let me tell you about this game: I think it’s haunted. I don’t know how, or why, but this thing magically appeared in my collection, long ago, back when I was still a child, and it has been there ever since. Nevermind the fact that my father visited a Flea market every early morning of the weekday upon which I discovered this thing in my stocks of games - I tell you, it is HAUNTED.
I should have known not to play it - but I did. And now, I have suffered the consequences. There were warning signs. I read the 40 page manual - I saw the advertisement calling us to stop Child Soldiers. I remember, vividly, the campaign against Kony 2012. But, instead of running away, as any sane man would have - I was hooked.
Warchild.org.uk… What are you hiding? What are your secrets? Where are those 300,000 child soldiers you’re keeping in your pockets, and why can’t I go home - I’ve been good, I stopped three escapes by shooting them in the shins. Now, they’ve been made into nuggets. You don’t want to know what happens to nuggets.
I digress, I am getting off track, and the many merciful businesses involved in this endevaour are going to do bad things to me, if I were to do something silly, such as share this sensitive information.
Still - the silent, deathly pall of the SEGA logo, which did not say a single thing, terrified me. How could a SEGA logo appear, as a game is booting up, and there not be the ‘SEGA’ jingle? My jimmies were thoroughly rustled. And then, there was a quiet, as a white man with a chiseled jawline and a fine suit stood, menacingly, reminding me of the foreman in the mines--
I’m getting ahead of myself. To even play this game, I needed to update my PSP’s software. How was that even possible? I forget that this platform, which came out in 2004, was still getting games released for it up to 2015… And some maniacs were hacking their machines to make their own games, in 2019. This is dedication, I say. And madness, definitely madness.
So, I install this update and feel an overwhelming sense of dread that something might go wrong - thankfully, everything seemed to be fine - and then my life’s work was destroyed completely. It was horrible - I could barely breathe! Visions of LocoRoco assaulted my mind and I cried... I then boot up the game and I’ve told you the rest.
This eerie quiet that greeted me and remained with me for the entirety of my experience was ruinous. The only sound was the clicking of buttons. The only thing I could do to keep the terrible memory of LocoRoco at bay was click more and more frantically. It was very unsettling and unpleasant.
This whole thing was a spreadsheet. A terrible, dotted with colors and neat icons, spreadsheet. Now, I am a master at Excel - I’ve almost made myself to get a certificate, twice - but I do not enjoy spreadsheets, not when the content of those spreadsheets is fantasy football before it was cool.
The gameplay is simple - manage the spreadsheet, make sure you don’t lose too much money, buy players, sell players, have meetings with the board and plead for more funding. Get fired, and go to another team. Go to a German team, because those are rich. Win by default, because you do not actually need to advance - you just need to keep digging your heels in, and it’ll all be fine.
Terrible game, abominable Presentation 0/3, absent Story 0/3 and incredibly lackluster Gameplay 1/3. Don’t play this game. It is not worth it, trust me. The UMD will forever remain untouched. What a disaster this was.
Conclusion
1/10, don’t even ask me about the Legendary Point.