Jurassic World: Dominion (2022) | a Review
originally published on 14/06/2022;
Hello everyone, I am the unlicensed paleontologist, G.E.M.Simov, a menace on society and nature as a whole, here to tell you about the sixth(?) Jurassic Park movie, which is the third Jurassic World movie, and is five movies too deep to be acceptable. Henceforth, I’ll just call it “the movie” or “the film”, as I’ll be using the terms interchangeably. I might bring up other Jurassic movies, so keep that in mind as well.
Simple review details - I rank games on an out of 10 basis, granting up to 3 points in 3 categories, as well as a last, single point from my own self, depending on my experience with it.
Presentation
This is simultaneously the strongest and the most questionable part of the movie. On the one hand, there’s an impressive amount of work done on creating the dinosaurs (and colossal locusts) that we get to see in the movie. Some of it is truly breathtakingly good. On the other hand, there’s an impressively horrendous presentation of the dinosaurs themselves - behaviorally, as well as visually.
There’s the, by now, cliché argument - dinosaurs were a lot more feathery than they were depicted in Jurassic Park and the continuing movies. This one actually delivers a few feathery dinosaurs, however it goes on to retain its depictions of scaly lizards. I mean, the majority of the dinosaurs are just scaly lizards. Could be a correct depiction in some cases, but I strongly doubt that the majority of the depictions were as smooth as shown.
Though let’s get back to the issue of behaviors. I’m jotting that one up to the presentation, as the dinosaurs are presented to the audience as being such, as having such behaviors, and because of the incredible diligence of most audiences, that’s all they’ll know about dinosaurs. Every dinosaur is, actually, a brainless killing machine that ignores the concept of hunger, all in favor of being VERY scary.
Sure, animals do behave in weird manners, but generally, whenever an animal is not hungry, and that animal is a carnivore, it will be a lot less aggressive. In the movie, we are shown dinosaurs feasting on prey, only to then, very shortly thereafter, do unbelievable amounts of work in an attempt to get at a few morsels. I find that quite difficult to believe.
There’s also the problem of how the dinosaurs move and what they do. Oh, let’s have the giganotosaurus just lower his snout almost to the ground (for no reason) and have it growl at the ground (for no reason) just so we can get this ‘sick’ shot of the toothy maw in the foreground, the overturned jeep in between, and the characters (in peril) in the background.
Or maybe the fact that some dinosaurs are presented as being capable of seeing through walls, or maybe being psychic? Or them being presented as being capable of breaking through walls and shrugging it off, or being able to shrug off being hit by cars, whilst themselves being… Apparently 200+ kilos? What the hell, I get that this is fanfiction but DAMN they’re really pulling shit out of their ass.
Maybe we can excuse it? No, not really. Why do the deer in this movie get presented as being deaf and oblivious to their surroundings? There’s a scene of a deer just grazing calmly whilst a massive dinosaur, with long claws, thumps about, shaking the ground, makes piercingly loud noises and looks very dangerous. Ah, yes, deer - the calmest animal that has DEFINITELY not evolved to be VERY light on its feet and VERY easy to startle. Have you seen that vine of the eldery couple recording deer eating out of a feeder, and then the husband sneezes, only for the deer to run away in total terror? Way to go Paul (or Ron? Either way, he was not allowed to sneeze. Apparently, he was looking at some messed up deer).
Then what about that shot of the same dinosaur roaring at a pool of water and that having NO effect on the surface of that pool of water, even though half a second ago it exhaling at the pool of water from less than 10 centimeters away from its surface made the water ripple? Sure, the shot of Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard’s character) being in the water right beneath the gaping maw of the roaring dinosaur was interesting (if thoroughly unbelievable), but it was so stupid…
Or maybe the literal jumpscare in the amber mine, which was so pointless that it made me cringe? Oh, he’s climbing the stairs - wow, dinosaur jumpscare, let’s have the loud pang, and the roar, and the flashing light! Why? I don’t know, every dinosaur is an ambush predator, and they’re all experts at stealth.
What about the Quetzalcoatlus? It decides that the BIGGER than it METAL plane that does NOT look like a meal SHOULD be attacked, and it targets the ENGINES, then it rips through the metal with its beak, just because. Every dinosaur is a maniacal, bloodthirsty animal, afflicted with rabies. That’s the only answer.
Well, maybe we can talk about the shots? Are there any good shots? Oh, that one of the tyrannosaurus walking past a round loop fountain and being very ‘on the nose’ about resembling the Jurassic Park/World logo? Was that a good shot? Well, you could say it was an attempt, an interesting one, but it was very painful to watch.
There were some interesting shots, though. The aerial ones showcasing the sanctuary, the shot featuring Dodgson looking at the lab in which the locusts were being grown, as that same lab is being set ablaze and the locusts are flailing about wildly as they’re burning up? That one was cool.
The shots in the end were amusing, even if they were monstrously stupid, because AFAIK that ain’t how animal behaviour works, but okay. In other news, though, I feel as though the movie was competently shot… Even if the presentation was so dour in many aspects. Oh, right, music… There was the ‘totally Jurassic Park music, but a bit different’ which played at some almost opportune moments, but there was nothing really impressive about the remainder of the track. Nothing stuck out, it was all very forgettable. Even the ‘totally Jurassic Park’ music was kinda shitty.
For the competence alone, 2/3
Acting
There was an almost child actor in this movie. There were also some pretty good actors. Crisp Rat didn’t do a bad job, but I don’t think he ever does bad jobs. The remainder of the cast were also pretty good at what they did, even if the writing was atrocious (more on that later).
There was a single scene in this that had me dumbfounded. It features two of the protagonists kinda sneaking into the lair of the villain, and the villain shows up and he’s like: “big fan! Maybe ask some questions, but busy, can’t quite make the time!” and he was incredibly awkward because he’s a scientist (a dinosaur geneticist, as in - a big dork), and the protagonists, who know he’s up to no good, but then they’re also up to no good, are very awkward as well, but that’s also because they’re a pair of scientists (as in big dorks) and it was all a fest of awkwardness. It was, somehow, astounding.
Also, Jeff Goldblum is in this movie. He’s a treasure, I tell you that - there were a few jokes involving him - great stuff - there were a few more serious scenes involving him - great stuff - he’s just an incredible actor, actually, and I might be biased but I am right. Also, this really elevated the whole experience in relation to the acting performed by the actors (of which I am no expert) so this is, actually, the strongest aspect of this movie. Even if it could’ve been a lot better. 2/3
Story
This movie has GARBAGE for its story. Actually, no, let me rephrase that. This movie has taken (perhaps could be described as eaten) a story that was vomited up by a previous movie, which in turn had eaten the story, which had also been vomited up by a preceding movie, which preceding movie had also eaten it as it was puked out by a preceding movie– You get the point. This is Jurassic Park, but the 6th part.
Big corporation BAD (a very good message, frankly), wants to do BAD corporation things with dinosaur DNA technology (a very likely occurrence), heroes good scientists, heroes go to dinosaur holding facility, something goes wrong in dinosaur holding facility, dinosaurs get free, heroes escape and thwart evil corporation’s plans (a good thing).
The way it is all presented is really uninspired. This one, of course, needed to feature something ELSE, something to differentiate it from the rest… So it featured big locust bugs that were designed to not eat a certain type of grain, and then these big locusts were set loose upon the world (read: the USA) to eat all the grain, except the bad guys’ grain, so that the bad guys could get a monopoly on food and control the world!
The villain in this movie is atrociously bad. Why? Well, for starters, we don’t get to find out what his reasoning is. What is it that motivates him to be willing to indirectly murder millions? There’s the mention of ‘control’, but that’s that. Why does he crave control? What is it that’s making him do these things that he is doing?
The audience doesn’t get to find out. Frankly, it could have been established in the previous movie (which it isn’t), but, then again, this is a Jurassic Park (World) movie. There’s no sense meant to be found within. Also, we all knew he was going to be the villain from the moment he was shown to the audience, and also because his name is literally Dodgson. Very evocative of the word “dodgy”
There’s some weirdness around a clone girl, who winds up thinking that because she’s a clone she needs to BE the person she’s a clone of, even though there’s no necessity for that to be so, then there’s the problem of the movie seemingly not caring about the fact that a person shaped by their experiences and everyone around them, and just going with it - she is just a clone of the original and is going to be a clone of the original because… Because yes.
Look, the first half of the movie was actually astoundingly interesting. It featured humans just living with DINOSAURS. The dinosaurs were living in the world, and they were just being animals. The way it was imagined, this “what if” scenario - that was interesting. It was lovely to observe, and if the whole movie was more of this, and not what followed, I’d have been happy.
Instead, the characters all end up in the dinosaur sanctuary, where things go wrong and we get a lot of the same - the characters running away from dinosaurs. It numbs the mind and makes one weak, mentally, to watch too much of this.
But it ain’t done yet! There’s a load of unbelievable bullshit in this movie.
Example A: Some underground super mafioso lady has trained a bunch of dinosaurs to kill whoever gets a laser shone upon them. Cool. Interestingly enough, shining the laser on that person marks them forever - fair enough. Interestingly enough, shining the laser on that person somehow indicates to the dinosaurs, even if the dinosaurs are NOT physically capable of seeing the laser shining on that person, that they should still kill that person. Phenomenal. It makes no sense - telepathic dinosaurs? Telepathic laser pointer? I don’t get it, and it’s just bad.
Example B: Some stuff just doesn’t exist previously, and then it exists. The heroes go through a tunnel through which pods usually move. There’s no steam being blasted out into the tunnel. The villain goes through the tunnel - there’s now steam (or smoke) being blasted into the tunnel on occasion. Why? Maybe because everything is going to shit… But it doesn’t make sense, it’s too rhythmic, too measured. It isn’t just blasting constantly, it blasts for like half a second then stops. It’s… Silly.
Example C: Designing laboratories meant to house dangerous, massive creatures, but designing them poorly enough to allow them to be breached by the dangerous creatures. The locusts, while being burned, somehow don’t die from being burned, somehow they don’t die from the incredible heat, and, SOMEHOW, they multiply by the THOUSANDS (while being burned), emerge from like 20 boxes of a locust each and break through the containment and, while burning, fly all over the dinosaur sanctuary.
Example D: Crisp Rat (a 90 kilo man) managing to HOLD DOWN a 4-5 ton Parasaurolophus with a SIMPLE, ORDINARY rope. I mean, the 90 kilo Cris Pratt (Owen in the movie) does manage to tie the rope around a stump, but how the rope does not just snap whilst being violently pulled on BY A 4 to 5 TON animal - I could not tell you.
Example E: Dinosaurs of different species teaming up to kill a dinosaur of a different species and then just being chill with one another, even though all three dinosaurs in the engagement are supposedly apex predators who should be fighting for control (as established by the movie), but not in this scene because it’s cool to see them team up (somehow, totally nonsensically) to kill the ‘biggest, baddest’ dinosaur.
This movie was dumb. It was so, so dumb, it made me cringe to a point where I did not want to watch any more.
And then it gets dumber. The message? We need to coexist with nature, we need to be very careful, because we depend on it. SO we are going to absolutely massacre the biosphere by reintroducing dinosaurs into it! Horses and Parasaurolophuses, running wild and free, Elephants and Triceratopses, just being bros and chilling, random birds and Pterodactyls(carnivores) just flying together, whales and Mosasauruses(carnivores) just chilling, swimming together.
This movie is a joke, yes? Yes, it is. 0/3
Legendary Point
Does this ‘film’ get the legendary point, so craved and wanted by all and none at the same time? Does this soulless, uninspired, abysmally terrible (if I may say so) movie, that’s the FIFTH sequel to a movie that NEEDED NO SEQUEL IN THE FIRST PLACE, get the Legendary Point? NO. It does not. 0/1
Conclusion
4/10. I don’t know what to say about this movie. Watch it if you like dinosaurs, I suppose, but then you might want to pull your hair out in frustration, so maybe don’t watch it. It’s… It’s just bad. Maybe watch the first half? But, then again, it was not that fun in the first half, either, because there was a lot of “I’m a clone, I’m not even a real human” drama (which was bad).
On the wall of shame, I hang it. With a noose, I hang it. I would’ve rather gored it and left it to expire in a ditch, but, oh well. It is what it is.