San Andreas (2015) | a Review
originally published on 07/07/2022;
Hello everyone, I am the groundbreaking G.E.M.Simov, a menace to society on the level of the eruption of Yellowstone, and I’ve come to talk to you about natural disasters, namely earthquakes, and the fantasy they’ve inspired in “San Andreas”.
Simple review details - I rank movies on an out of 10 basis, granting up to 3 points in 3 categories, as well as a last, single point from my own self, depending on my experience with it.
A disclaimer - the terms 'movie' and 'film' will be used interchangeably in this review.
Presentation
Out of all three things that this movie does, the presentation is what it does right. I think the effects are very well done, the way the shots are constructed is not only competent, but also compelling, and I think that the post processing effects pertaining to colors that have been chosen are also not bad, at all.
I’ll have to admit that some shots seemed wrong. Some shots lingered here and there, when there was no need for that to happen, but there’s nothing too bad that I can recall or that I’d feel the need to point at, currently.
Unfortunately, there’s also nothing specific that seemed good to me. Nothing outstanding, nothing truly memorable. You might notice a bit of a trend with this movie… It’s just okay. It’s going for ‘just okay’. Does it succeed? In this department, yes. 2/3
Acting
This might be the most unnervingly strange part of the whole movie. On the one hand, I thought to myself that the actors didn’t do a bad job. On the other, I felt as though they really, REALLY failed. These two things have a hard time being true, especially both at the same time, so I’ll have to give some more context.
On the surface level, this is passable. Everything is relatively competent, and the acting is okay. If the point of your visit to the cinema, or your engagement with this movie, is to just have a bit of silly fun, you’re in for a good time.
This is a silly movie, and as a result of that, it does not pay attention to much of anything, with the exception of mediocrity. However, that’s an issue in and of itself. Here come the actors, and they’re presented with roles to fulfill, right? Of course, but that means something else. If the role that is provided is just bad, fundamentally, then the actor can’t do much to make it good.
They can redeem it, slightly, but if they have to stick to the script, well, they’re not going to be doing anything impressive. I’d say this is what happened here. The actors were handed a bunch of roles, these roles were conceived with the idea of being ‘just good enough’, and that was as far as everyone got.
The most egregious thing is the emotional stuff with Dwayne Johnson’s character. He has two very emotional scenes, in which he grapples with the death of his child, and in neither scene does he cry, even if the camera lingers on his face in just the right way, even if the music and the context form a perfect harmony that urges the character to let out AT LEAST one manly tear. But no, he doesn’t do that. I don’t think he even got the glimmer of a tear in his eye.
That was just not good. It was quite bad, and the message that it sends - you know, men don’t cry - is not good, either. 1/3
Story
There was a story? Oh, right. Well, as with every other disaster porn movie out there, the story is as follows: Introduce characters, some of them capable, others not. Introduce scientist who knows the disaster is going to occur. Introduce potential systematic failings of the country(ies) in which the disaster is about to take place. Do disaster, destroy things, watch people die.
And then people just survive.
In this movie, that happens. We end up introduced to the characters - Dwayne Johnson (who I frankly always perceive as “The Rock”, even if he does manage to play some characters who are different from “The Rock”. This one is, frankly, “The Rock”, but with trauma), his daughter Alexandra Daddario, his wife, and his wife’s boyfriend. Then we get introduced to the scientist - a seismologist in some California University.
He goes, he does some research, boom! Very bad disaster incoming. He tries to confirm and warn folks, but the systems of the country (the USA) are wack, and he doesn’t really get to do it right the first time around. BIG disaster (earthquake). Dwayne, being a mountain rescuer (or something along those lines) veers off course and goes to pick up his wife with his sick helicopter, while his daughter and his wife’s boyfriend are in another city where the quake is also shaking them.
They all survive, though Alexandra Daddario needs to be rescued by ‘the love interest’ and his goofy brother sidekick (who did a LOT of heavy lifting to establish a relationship, no matter how unbelievable, between the love interest and the Rock’s Daughter).
Tribulations and trails, some dealing with trauma, and then everything gets fixed. There are, of course, fakeout moments, big and scary visuals - everything you can ever want.
What, however, do we get from this movie? Maybe a bit of a message relating to communicating with family? Maybe a bit about… Earthquake = bad?
There’s no meaning that I could glean. There was nothing interesting about the story, there wasn’t much. There was one good thing - the trauma set up earlier is that the Rock had another daughter, but she drowned in his presence and he could not save her. Then Alexandra Daddario’s character almost drowns WHILE the Rock is present, but this time he manages to save her.
Maybe that was set up reasonably well, but… This movie is just horribly pointless. Its message is that “we can just kinda survive, also USA good”. It almost seems to just indicate we ought to give up and let ourselves be carried by the flow, as long as we can keep our heads above the surface.
There was no attempt at stopping the Earthquake. There was no good indication that there was a means of warning people adequately. There was no indication of anything relating to action, it was all just a reaction to things. How people react to things. You know what being reactive does? It makes you complacent. It makes you think that there are no problems that need to be dealt with, maybe because they do not affect you directly and thus you need not react.
I don’t know… I didn’t like it, I couldn’t find a good meaning within it, and what I did find was just… Not good. At least it was not terrible? 1/3
Legendary Point
Does this movie get the legendary point, so craved and wanted by all and none at the same time? Well… I don’t know.
I was already quite a fan of Dwayne Johnson, what with all the things surrounding him in the realms of the internet. Then I also quite enjoyed watching Alexandra Daddario do her thing in this one, and I was left befuddled. What are these actors, who are both relatively well known (an understatement in Dwayne Johnson’s case), doing in this? Probably just getting a paycheck and/or looking for a razzie award.
I kinda wanna give it the legendary point. I really kinda do, because of two reasons. I won’t, though. NO legendary point. 0/1
Conclusion
4/10. A bad movie, frankly, made passable due to the likeability of the actors themselves and the relative competence of the visual approach. It’s also largely inoffensive and incredibly lacking in any ambition, so it’s kinda average. It is, however, destruction porn. It’s a pointless movie - literally - and I’d urge you not to watch it, unless, maybe, you’re a fan of the actors.
In the bag of mediocrity I’ll shove it. There, it may gather all the dust it needs to build itself up into something better. A shame, but it is what it is.