Montaro | a Review
originally published on 13/12/2024;
Hello everyone, I am the doge (medieval) G.E.M.Simov, a being of such immense political influence that I have been barred from running for office for the next thirty years. In the meantime, I will be telling you about “Montaro”.
Simple review details - I rank games on an out of 10 basis, granting up to 3 points in 3 categories, as well as a last, single point from my own self, depending on my experience with it.
Gameplay
Montaro is a 2D side scrolling game in the truest sense of the word. It is infinite, with the goal being to get as far as possible, as every unit of distance covered gives the Player a point. The more points gotten, the higher the score.
So, the Player’s Character is the doge, who constantly walks from the left to the right (the Player’s right, not the screen’s right). The only means of controlling the dog is by clicking, which makes it jump.
By jumping, the doggie can get up to higher elevation, with there being three general levels of elevation - there’s street level, where banana peels, school girls, potholes, box-cat-aquarium-TVs and angry chickens roam around. There’s sign-post level, where generally nothing appears, with the exception of rubbish-bins with cats in them, but the platforms on the sign-post level are very small and act as an intermediary between street level and roof level.
Lastly, there’s roof level. On the roof level, the canine can find coins, which are picked up when passed through, crows, calm little birds, angry little birds and calm chickens. The platforms on the roof level also cut off at one point, leading down to the street level, but they are a lot longer than those on sign-post level. A secondary goal of the game is to collect as many coins as possible.
So, the houndling can run into a lot of things. Most of them are problematic and instantly kill it - even if it has 3 sets of panties. As a result of that, there are a lot of things that need to be avoided at all costs - those being angry chickens, crows, potholes, angry little birds, box-cat-aquarium-TVs. Bumping into any one of those instantly ends the game and sends the Player back to the main menu.
There are, however, means of avoiding those. Angry chickens only show up on street-level, and that’s after walking through a calm chicken on the roof level. Crows only show up on the roof level, and they can be passed through if the doggie is slipping on a banana peel. Angry little birds only show up after walking through calm little birds, and they show the Player where they will show up from prior to actually showing up. Potholes can be jumped over, and are only on the street level, while box-cat-aquarium-TVs can be jumped on top of (or over) an also only show up on the street level.
As a result of that, the game is a balancing act of changing elevation levels by jumping from platform to platform in an attempt to avoid the scary things that end the game and also to pick up as many coins as possible. Now, the aforementioned schoolgirls have not been explained - and there’s a good reason for that. If the dog is underneath a schoolgirl when it jumps, it steals her panties (wild). If the dog has less than 3 pairs of panties, it refills 1 pair of panties.
Panties operate in pairs in this game, and if all 3 pairs are lost, the game ends. The only way to lose panties is to slip on a banana peel, which results in losing half a pair of panties, meaning that the Player needs to do that 6 times before getting a game over screen.
However, slipping on a banana is very advantageous. As previously mentioned, doing that makes the dog slip. While slipping, the Player cannot input a jump command, but the dog will also knock crows out of the sky when touching them, instead of having the game end. In addition to that, if the Player lands on a banana peel after jumping, the dog will be propelled to the same height as that of the jump.
This works incredibly well when the dog falls from the roof level onto a banana peel, because then it slips and is propelled back up to roof level. This mechanic is very neat and allows for some funk movements, but it also necessitates the collection of panties from schoolgirls (weird), which is very unnerving.
Overall, the game boils down to clicking at the right time, and that’s all there is to it. By collecting coins, the Player can unlock new outfits for the dog, which range from funky - a pair of sunglasses - to genius - a box.
Unfortunately, this is not really enough to make this a game that’s fun to play. It might be such in the first thirty-ish minutes of playtime, but after that it loses any luster it might have had. 1/3
Presentation
Montaro is a very simple game. It features pixel-based graphics that manage to tap into a cute, maybe even cozy appearance and make everything in itself look neat in a very pleasant manner. Heavily stylized, as a result, it has the quality of being potentially ageless.
However, in most other aspects it is quite lacking. There are three musical tracks that company the Player on their journey, and those tracks are very same-y and loopy, as a result of which hearing them once or twice is enough to memorize them, which leads to them growing out of being a pleasant little set of chip-tunes and becoming droning melodies that dig into one’s mind. Partially, that is owed up to the fact that Montaro is a very loud game, which can be alleviated with the game’s settings, but still - the default should not be almost painfully loud!
It is unfortunate that there is no tutorial, but considering what this game is, it is permissible. When it comes to the sound effects, they are present and they do their job well, though they also feel as though they are very few, much like the musical tracks.
That contributes to an overwhelming feeling of insufficiency, even if that, which is present, is supposedly enough. As a result of that, the game’s Presentation, although visually very quaint, is only decent. 2/3
Story
Montaro is a doge (shiba-inu) who steals underwear from schoolgirls. That’s the story, or rather the premise. There is no other story, and the fact that the premise is as it is leaves me feeling a bit weird. 0/3
Legendary Point
Does this game get the legendary point, so craved and wanted by all and none at the same time? No. It is far too simple, though I have given the Legendary Point to similarly simple games before. This one just lacks the oomph I needed and, instead, has an “uhh” that I would rather do without. 0/1
Conclusion
3/10. Montaro is a “funky” little game that I would not recommend to anyone, as it is lacking most of the things that a game needs to be recommendable. Not only that, but it also features this unnerving factor of the dog stealing (underage) schoolgirls’ panties. It may be recommendable for the novelty or the oddity of its concept, but aside from that it’s something best ignored.
On the wall of shame it goes, very sleazy and inappropriate, very cute but filled with repugnant darkness. Oh well, dog stuff.