Sakura Clicker | a Review
originally published on 13/12/2024;
Hello everyone, I am the very ill G.E.M.Simov, a being so distorted by the horrors of modernity that I have been thrust into a regressive loop. Fortunately, I have escaped, and have come to tell you about “Sakura Clicker”.
Simple review details - I rank games on an out of 10 basis, granting up to 3 points in 3 categories, as well as a last, single point from my own self, depending on my experience with it.
Gameplay
Sakura Clicker is an idle game. Additionally, it is also a clicking game, though it is more of an idle game than a clicking game.
It features an “enemy” (who is typically a very scantly clad anime girl) in the middle of the screen, who must be clicked. Every click does a bit of damage, and doing enough damage depletes the enemy’s health (assumedly). That results in the enemy “dying”, but in actuality it joins the Player Character’s harem and is tracked as a statistic.
Killing an enemy makes Gold appear, and that Gold must then be hovered over with the mouse’s cursor so that it may be picked up… Though it also picks itself up after a certain amount of time passes or too many Gold pieces wind up on the screen at once. Enemies also have a chance of dropping a chest when killed, which needs to be clicked a few times before it opens and releases a large number of Gold pieces all over the screen.
There are also little furry creatures that appear on screen and, when clicked, award the Player with some Gold. There’s a pink variety that drops lots of Gold pieces every time it is clicked, and lingers for a few seconds, incentivizing the Player to click it as many times as possible to get as much Gold as possible.
Gold is used to do almost everything in this game - it serves as the means for purchasing upgrades that increase the amount of damage done by clicking or hiring allies who do a set amount of damage at set intervals, who can then be upgraded by spending more gold. The upgrades can also increase the amount of gold received.
Every ten enemies who are killed allow the Player to go on to fight a boss. The boss just has a lot more Health than the ordinary enemies and must be killed within 30 seconds. Whenever a boss is defeated, the Player progresses 1 stage, which increases the amount of Health enemies have, but also increases the amount of gold they drop.
The Player can also unlock active skills, which, when used, either deal a lot of damage, increase the amount of gold dropped by enemies, or increase the rate at which automatic attacks go off…
And that’s about it. Sakura Clicker is incredibly simple, with one little exception. There is a reset mechanic that provides the Player with “spirits”. These can then be used to purchase special upgrades that can only be purchased with spirits, and these upgrades are the exact same as every other upgrade - more Gold, more damage, faster (automatic) attacks, hirelings do more damage, and so on.
This is a very, very rudimentary Idle game. As such, it is barely a game. In fact, all the gameplay that can be experienced in this game is experienced over the course of the first 5 minutes, and everything after that is simply an RSI inducing waste of time. I am so unimpressed by it that I am not even willing to award it a single point. It’s just… Bad. 0/3
Presentation
This game has no tutorial, nor does it really need one - seeing as the only mechanic that is not explicitly stated is to click the enemies, which the Player will wind up doing either way, there might, actually, be no need for a tutorial. Regardless, in the settings menu the Player can find a “How to Play” button that, when hovered over, reveals a text box that explains some things, but not all of them.
Aside from that, Sakura Clicker is made up of 4 menus and features a number of illustrations of scantily clad anime girls. Visually, it is not terrible, but there’s something off about all the anime girls on screen, with a very curious exception. In the menu where characters are hired and upgraded, they are not shown as full-blown anime girls, but instead a small, cutesy version (chibi) of themselves, which feature thicker line art and a far more stylized appearance, which is almost endearing.
Regardless, all of this is thrown to the side when one hears the audio this game offers. It features one single musical track that loops infinitely, and is very stereotypically an “anime fighting song”, as well as three or four sound effects. One for clicking, one for picking up gold, one for buying things, one for clicking a chest… And moans, gasps and exclamations that are leveled at the Player by the enemies.
Moans, gasps and exclamations that are performed in Japanese, and there are no subtitles whatsoever. Moans and gasps that are oddly sensual, which, coupled with the attire of the characters and their poses are most unnerving. The game is also offering some cosmetic changes to the Player Character (who is constantly standing at one side of the screen, as scantily clad as the enemies), which cosmetic changes can be purchased with real money.
Sakura Clicker is monstrously bare-bones in regards to its Presentation. It gets whatever job it has set out to do well enough, but it is definitely not something astonishing. 2/3
Story
The story is that which was revealed in the Gameplay section. The Player Character, Haru, goes around, hits women until they join her harem, robs them of their money to hire mercenaries to help her hit more women so that they join her harem. That’s it. 0/3
Legendary Point
Does this game get the legendary point, so craved and wanted by all and none at the same time? No. I do not need to elaborate, do I? This game is some sort of sleazy, lecherous endeavor from a novice developer who managed to do something with the Idle game formula that wound up becoming popular. That does not mean it is good, nor that it deserves anything, really. Especially not the Legendary Point. 0/1
Conclusion
2/10. Perhaps too generous a score, or perhaps too harsh a score, but this is barely a game. I would even argue that it is not a game, since most of it revolves around letting it run in the background for hours only to come back, press the “buy” button a few times and click an anime girl a few times. Maybe fans of Idle games will find some solace in it, maybe horny teenagers can derive something out of it, but this is not a game I’d recommend to anyone.
On the wall of shame it goes. Truly, it is shameful, and was this close to having not a single redeeming quality. Astoundingly shameful.